The Blunder From Down Under

            And we’re back! 

            On Saturday I was enjoying lunch with Furball when I noticed she had ordered a fruit salad. I informed her of her blatant indecision, but she retorted back something fierce. “I am choosing to be indecisive,” she smirked, “I contend that variety is the spice of life.” The moment that sentence left her lips I knew my reaction needed to be swift and adequate. There was no way I was going to let her whack my theory as if it were Phil Leotardo.

I looked down towards her “variety” and my counter argument was staring right back at me. There in all its slovenly glory was a single slice of Kiwi. No matter how you slice or dice them, Kiwi’s are to fruit what duckbill platypus are to the kingdom of mamalia. Weird, alien, and generally uncomfortable. Below I will rip Kiwis the new asshole they deserve. 

·      Name: When you consult Wiki, you learn that this fruit was actually native to China. In fact, the Kiwi is the national fruit of China. That’s fucking interesting because everyone and their mother assumes this fruit is native to New Zealand. I hate when fruits play tricks on me, reminds me of every time I look at Rupaul. Anyway, after some crazy lady introduces the Kiwi to New Zealand, they start exporting it. Catch is now they go and name it after their country’s bird and moniker for their own countrymen. Fucking unoriginal bastards, are you kidding me? I understand perhaps having two names for the same thing, but three? Step it up New Zealand or we’re going to start calling you Australia’s Mexico instead of Australia’s Canada.

·      Consistency: You know Sal at the deli? He’s always sweating and drooling in the mayo. Still don’t remember? Maybe this will help: Sal’s the guy whose entire fucking body is covered in hair. Yeah Sal and Kiwis are brothers from another mother. The Kiwi is straight furry. I don’t mind a little peach fuzz, but hairy is not my thing. We’ve been over that already though right?

·      Taste: Kiwis taste like eating a fart. I’ll just let that sink in for a second. Yeah, Kiwis are the closest you will ever get to ingesting flatulence. I brought proof too. Why is there always only one Kiwi in a fruit salad and a zillion of everything else? Because Kiwi’s taste like raw ass and because when someone is ordering a fruit salad they are thinking about: grapes, cantaloupe, oranges, pineapple, honeydew, peaches, and anything else you can think of other than a Kiwi. Come to think of it, you know what? I’ve never even met a person who’s favorite fruit is the Kiwi. That’s like saying your favorite Knick of all time is Charles Smith. Yeah I said it, too soon? 

I’d love to take a survey of cashiers at some place where they have unbelievable produce. You know home girl is looking just a little bit differently at the dude who brings up a bag with Kiwis. “Damn are you fucking serious? We got like a million fruits n shit n here n you after some Kiwis? Fucking weirdo.” Yeah so buyer beware, because next time you order a fruit salad you could be the next unlucky recipient of “The Blunder from Down Under”. Until next time, I am Theodore Jones and this is The Gumption.