Something To Hide

Ladies it’s become increasingly evident that you have something to hide. I’m not sure if you’re getting dumber or I’m getting way smarter, but somewhere in between lays an increasingly evident truth. You’re not good at masking (what you consider) your physical flaws. I’m going to do this delicately, so as not to make you incredibly upset. Here goes nothing….

· Big Sunglasses: Thank you Mary Kate and Ashley! Probably my least favorite look of all, it is a simple optical illusion. The brain automatically puts the most attractive set of eyes and cheeks on said female. The funnier thing is usually the more surface area covered by the glasses, the more ugly the reality. Yeah I just called you out, but only because you’ve made me feel stupid. After talking to you for twenty minutes, you shed the shades, and I come to realize you’re a 6 and not a 9. To be honest, you’re wasting both of our time here. You can only hide ugly for so long. If you’re interested in me, ditch the over grown fruit fly look and roll with something a bit more subtle.

· The Shawl: I’ll say it, I fucking love a girl with a big butt. I don’t give a crap you can keep the waifs. Give me a woman that looks like a woman, not one with a butt that looks like it could belong to a mad emo dude. I just don’t get why girls with curves insist on hiding them with these big baggy tank tops and scarves. If you got some wide hips and some nice boobies, please don’t try and mask them to look like a waif. God made you the way you are for a reason; there are plenty of dudes like me who prefer that. Hollywood wants you to be embarrassed so you buy trendy clothes, but I love you the way you are. Please, please, please, don’t disappoint me this summer! I know you’re having some trouble feeling good about yourself, don’t let the anorexic girls make you upset. Its way more fun to be you then it is to be them.

· Bushes: And I am not referring to the one’s in Crawford, Texas. In case you haven’t realized the 70s are over, and if you’re still sporting an Afro like Dr. J, you are out of touch. I’m not expecting a marble counter top, but for goodness sakes is a mowed lawn too much to ask? I keep up my end of the bargain, please meet me in the middle. Not only will it increase the amount I am willing to do with you, it will also take out the mystery. That is not an area of the body that you want me to be wondering about. Other than punching me in the face, that’s the best way to chase me away. Picking up what I’m putting down?

I hate to do it as much as you hate to hear it. But ten dudes who just read that opened up their phones to text me about how spot on it was. Ah, the truth really does set you free. I’m Teddy Jones, and I fulfill my function right here at The Gumption.