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FAIL!

More Fabric Please!

            A very happy birthday to Butang today! It just so happens that a funny thing happened on the way to his birthday brunch on Saturday. On the first truly warm day of the year, the cab driver that was my chauffer snidely remarked: “It was better when it was winter.” I did a double take. “Are you kidding me man? This winter was brutal.” He turned around at the red light and pointed to a rather hefty female crossing the street. “I didn’t need to see that.” I almost pissed my pants.

            I don’t know why four hundred pound women of ghetto descent shop at Baby Gap, but it seems to be a fact of life in this fair city. Cottage cheese arms and seemingly limitless cleavage from sagging 48EEE breasts are almost as plentiful as taxi cabs themselves. These people must believe they still weigh the same as they did at thirteen. Or perhaps they just haven’t been shopping since then, either way something has got to give.

            Put on some fucking clothing, please I beg of you. It is one thing to “accentuate your curves”, it is quite another to be imitating “Stay Puft” (pictured) on a regular basis. Older men are not immune to this either. If when you look down you can’t see your dick, tank tops are out of the question. Come to think of it, if you can’t see your vagina, tank tops are out of the question. Unless of course you are pregnant, hell hath no fury like a pregnant woman. I digress.

            This summer, food is going to be very expensive, so here’s an idea: EAT LESS OF IT! Then you’d be able to fit into that halter-top you got when Method Man first rocked a solo album. Until then, invest in a bra that functions as a harness and for god sakes buy some beefy t shirts. Thanks. I’m Teddy Jones and this is The Gumption.

Ugly Suits, Smoke Screens, and You!

            If there’s anything that makes me want to pull my fur out, it’s the NFL Draft. First of all, the total disregard for fashion is stifling. I’ll say it; Mel Kiper Jr. looks like the love child of Pat Riley and a rabid porcupine. It’s a wonder this guy isn’t married; I guess when the girls see Mel Kiper Jr. Jr. they are put off by the matching hair-dos. That’s disgusting, I know, I’m sorry. I’ll lay off Mel, he’s not the only one turning the WaMu Theatre into an episode of “What Not to Wear”. Who the fuck tells these kids that they look good in those suits? I honestly want to know what lackey is sitting at Saks with these kids going: “Damn Jamarcus, on the biggest day of your life you should definitely rock that canary yellow suit with that aqua ascot. We all know you’re going to the Raiders, but fuck that mother fucker, silver and black is boring!”

            I digress as usual, but I’ll level with you here. Besides the fashion, the two things I hate the most about the draft are the media/team interplay, and the flip-flopping that goes on by the so-called experts. First I will examine the interplay.

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, this is what happens. Teams spread rumors via the press so that other teams are forced to make moves. For example: The Seahawks are leaking out that they are interested in drafting Mark Sanchez because in theory it makes sense. To the layperson it seems Hasslebeck (their current QB) is getting older and they need a plan for succession. While that may be, Seneca Wallace did a descent job filling in as a backup, and this a team that has absolutely dominated their division until one hiccup last year. For that reason I would assert that the Seahawks are a team that is really built to win now, and when Hasslebeck is healthy they are pretty good. You forget (along with the rest of the NFL), that before last year Hasslebeck hadn’t missed more than four games in a season. Adding a back up or even third string QB with the number four pick in the draft almost never happens. Can you think of an example? I can’t. The Seahawks are basically taking advantage of the ESPN hype machine creating a market for their pick.

            By doing this Seattle ensures that the Redskins, Jets, or some other shadowy figure will feel the urgency to break the bank and trade up to get Sanchez. It’s the Seahawk’s hope that they will wind up netting more picks further down so they can avoid paying an unproven commodity “Top 5” money.

I guess just like the rest of the NFL season, the hype has become the real entertainment. Never mind the actual product, speculation is where the real excitement is! I hate that ethos, but unfortunately it seems to have become the norm. I’d rather just watch the draft and see what happens, plus there isn’t really enough time for speculation in the fifteen minutes in-between picks.

            The flip-flopping is where the real fun starts. Lets take a good look at Percy Harvin because the dude is a fucking stud. I know I’m a little bit of an SEC homer, but this guy was the best athlete in college football the past two seasons. There’s just one little problem: he got caught smoking pot. Consequently, all week you are going to hear analyst after analyst tell you about Percy’s “off the field problems”. I’m not condoning this man’s recreational drug use, but I will say this: After Percy drops the 15 picks that are requisite for such an offense, those same analysts are going to compliment the team that takes him on an almost embarrassing level. They’ll say “What great value to get an athlete like Percy Harvin with the 42^nd pick in the draft, he was arguably the best athlete in the country the past two years.” “You know Mel, I think the Bills had the best draft, to get Hugh Bizzalls where they did, and then Percy Harvin that late. Brasstacks GM has a future in this league!”

            So let me get this straight, with the 18^th pick Percy is the next Pacman Jones or Ted Kaczynski, but at the 42^nd pick he is the next Randy Moss or Reggie Bush? It doesn’t make any god damn sense whatsoever, but I haven’t gotten to the best part yet. Chances are Percy has a solid five years in the league before he destroys his ACL, he’s too good not to and failing one drug test doesn’t make him OJ Simpson.

The best part is that you know someone who will be drafted in front of Percy (already labeled a “can’t miss”) will wind up being the biggest bust of the draft. Someone like I don’t know…..Andre Smith! Remember this guy? He skipped the Sugar Bowl to sign with an agent and according to some reports has added 70 pounds of fat since then. One scout said he looks like “he’s just given up”. Todd McShay will tell you on draft day about Andre’s “tremendous upside” and Mel has him in his mock top ten. When he can’t block this year because he quit caring, fans will boo, sports talk radio will crucify him, and he’ll be out of the league quickly. Then next year when the next offensive tackle starts pulling the same shit and acting like a clown, Todd will be front and center calling him the next Andre Smith. You flip and you flop and your analysis is slippery slop.

Oh and one more thing! The immediacy with which experts are grading teams’ drafts is an exercise in retardation. Basically the only thing that has changed is that now we know what teams these guys are on. They still haven’t played a down in the league therefore we still know nothing. I remember Mel Kiper Jr. gave Jerry Reese’s (The Black Jesus) (pictured) first draft a “C”. I guess that “C” was for “C” you holding the Lombardi Trophy you glorified “Kaboom”. “Lack of top end speed” and “disappointing vertical leap” my ass.

Needless to say, I will be watching the draft with the sound turned off so I can enjoy it! You’ll always be my number one pick; I’ll always be Teddy Jones right here at The Gumption.  

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Is it just me who misses the good old days?

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Kabooms

            As general douche baggery runs rampant in our society, it’s vitally important to arm yourself. Put away the semi-automatic weapon Marlo Stanfield, I’m talking about developing a keen ability to sort out the douche bags from the non-douche bags. Today down at The Gumption we are saluting those who make this process incredibly easy.

Is there a more in your face indicator of douche baggery than a blow out haircut? Sir quiet honestly, your hairdo is practically a billboard advertising how much you suck/do steroids/fake tan/masturbate while staring in the mirror and flexing. While many would make fun of you, I instead thank you!

Other people hide their douche baggery behind lots of money and a modest exterior. Your superficiality does not allow you to hide behind a normal life. You are compelled to walk around looking like you stuck a fork in a socket. Apparently it has fried your skin, your brain, and turned your physique into a science experiment.

It seems your entire wardrobe has been affected by your obsession with incorrect use of electrical outlets. You do not own a single shirt with sleeves, must be because your body is consistently radiating more heat than a Red Dwarf. Oh wait; no you do own that Ed Hardy t-shirt and that one with the crazy looking dragon on it from Armani.

Gumption reader I challenge you, bring me but one man who rocks such a haircut that is a decent human being. You cannot, it is all but impossible. However, kind reader that does not mean that these people are not to be appreciated. I don’t know about you, but everyday I thank god for making neo-Nazis bald, fad chasing homos mohawked, and Kabooms blown out. Otherwise how would you ever know the difference? I’m Teddy Jones and I rock out with my cock out right here at The Gumption.

            

.....And We're Back!

This past week John Madden retired. I guess he finally realized he wasn’t going to be able to slurp Brett Favre anymore. Or maybe he left because he was tired of criss-crossing the country like a hippy on a Greyhound. Perhaps he just thought Jay Cutler was a pussy. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor, but I decided to ask John myself. The call lasted about twenty minutes; I’ve transcribed what I could below.

 

So John why’d you quit? I mean I’m sure you’re going to still be watching football all the time. What’s the deal?

 

“Yeah. Here’s a question that I don’t mind answering. It’s a good question and a question that kind makes you think about a lot of things. When I start thinking about a lot of things I think a lot about football and that sort of stuff, but I also think about other things. Sometimes I think about the financial crisis and big banks. You know they say that some of these banks are too big to fail and that makes me think about Robert Gallery. Here’s a guy when he was drafted, people were really impressed with his size, he was “too big to fail”. Unfortunately he hasn’t really lived up to the hype and he has kind of failed. And then you get Barack Obama, ok, trying to fix some things and do some things to get more involved with the economy. I think that’s a lot like me trying to make Robert Gallery unfail when he’s already failed.”

 

            Wow really interesting John, you’re saying that you’d like to see big banks fail? That’s why you retired?

 

            “You know here’s the thing about banks; banks are the offensive lineman of this economy. You’re not going anywhere without them (audible chuckle). You can call all the plays you want, you can raise and lower interest rates, you can scheme and you can double team. But if you aren’t getting an initial push from your offensive line, then you aren’t going anywhere. You know I just picture big old Walter Jones wearing a JP Morgan jersey just kind of pushing this massive boulder. Boom! Maybe even adding Steve Hutchinson in because you need guys like that to push up front. Steve’s wearing a Citi jersey, and he’s got some blood on his jersey because he’s tough and that’s what tough guys get on their jerseys. These guys are pushing hard to get this boulder rolling and then the quarter ends and they stop pushing and take a break and I wake up and I realize I’ve soiled myself.

 

            John I’m shocked! That’s really a pretty cool way of thinking about things. Is this what you’re going to be doing now?

 

            “You know, I’m not sure. Am I going to be doing this? Am I going to be doing that? I’m not sure what it is I’m going to be doing. I know what I’d like to be doing and that’s a lot of eating and watching football. That’s not too dissimilar from what I’ve been doing. It’s something that I enjoy doing. If you asked me what I was going to be doing, I would probably say something like that. I mean I guess I’d like to feed the children and all that sort of thing, but I think if I tried doing that I’d eat all of the food and miss watching football. That’s not something that I would want to be doing to the children, but I’m sure that’s what I would wind up doing.”

 

            Point taken, what about this up coming season? Any thoughts?

 

            “Yeah you know you have Jay Cutler and is he going to be traded? Is he not going to be traded? Who is he going to be traded to? Where am I? How is my liver? Am I going to have a heart attack? Are the Giants the team to beat in the NFC East? Did you fart? Was that me? What kind of impact is TO going to have in Buffalo? Is Al Michaels edible? Would Tony Romo make out with me on live television? I don’t know we’ll just have to find out.”

 

            Thanks John!

 

I apologize for the elongated hiatus. It’s great to have you back. I am Theodore Jones and this is The Gumption.