This past week John Madden retired. I guess he finally realized he wasn’t going to be able to slurp Brett Favre anymore. Or maybe he left because he was tired of criss-crossing the country like a hippy on a Greyhound. Perhaps he just thought Jay Cutler was a pussy. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor, but I decided to ask John myself. The call lasted about twenty minutes; I’ve transcribed what I could below.
So John why’d you quit? I mean I’m sure you’re going to still be watching football all the time. What’s the deal?
“Yeah. Here’s a question that I don’t mind answering. It’s a good question and a question that kind makes you think about a lot of things. When I start thinking about a lot of things I think a lot about football and that sort of stuff, but I also think about other things. Sometimes I think about the financial crisis and big banks. You know they say that some of these banks are too big to fail and that makes me think about Robert Gallery. Here’s a guy when he was drafted, people were really impressed with his size, he was “too big to fail”. Unfortunately he hasn’t really lived up to the hype and he has kind of failed. And then you get Barack Obama, ok, trying to fix some things and do some things to get more involved with the economy. I think that’s a lot like me trying to make Robert Gallery unfail when he’s already failed.”
Wow really interesting John, you’re saying that you’d like to see big banks fail? That’s why you retired?
“You know here’s the thing about banks; banks are the offensive lineman of this economy. You’re not going anywhere without them (audible chuckle). You can call all the plays you want, you can raise and lower interest rates, you can scheme and you can double team. But if you aren’t getting an initial push from your offensive line, then you aren’t going anywhere. You know I just picture big old Walter Jones wearing a JP Morgan jersey just kind of pushing this massive boulder. Boom! Maybe even adding Steve Hutchinson in because you need guys like that to push up front. Steve’s wearing a Citi jersey, and he’s got some blood on his jersey because he’s tough and that’s what tough guys get on their jerseys. These guys are pushing hard to get this boulder rolling and then the quarter ends and they stop pushing and take a break and I wake up and I realize I’ve soiled myself.
John I’m shocked! That’s really a pretty cool way of thinking about things. Is this what you’re going to be doing now?
“You know, I’m not sure. Am I going to be doing this? Am I going to be doing that? I’m not sure what it is I’m going to be doing. I know what I’d like to be doing and that’s a lot of eating and watching football. That’s not too dissimilar from what I’ve been doing. It’s something that I enjoy doing. If you asked me what I was going to be doing, I would probably say something like that. I mean I guess I’d like to feed the children and all that sort of thing, but I think if I tried doing that I’d eat all of the food and miss watching football. That’s not something that I would want to be doing to the children, but I’m sure that’s what I would wind up doing.”
Point taken, what about this up coming season? Any thoughts?
“Yeah you know you have Jay Cutler and is he going to be traded? Is he not going to be traded? Who is he going to be traded to? Where am I? How is my liver? Am I going to have a heart attack? Are the Giants the team to beat in the NFC East? Did you fart? Was that me? What kind of impact is TO going to have in Buffalo? Is Al Michaels edible? Would Tony Romo make out with me on live television? I don’t know we’ll just have to find out.”
Thanks John!
I apologize for the elongated hiatus. It’s great to have you back. I am Theodore Jones and this is The Gumption.
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