Ugly Suits, Smoke Screens, and You!

            If there’s anything that makes me want to pull my fur out, it’s the NFL Draft. First of all, the total disregard for fashion is stifling. I’ll say it; Mel Kiper Jr. looks like the love child of Pat Riley and a rabid porcupine. It’s a wonder this guy isn’t married; I guess when the girls see Mel Kiper Jr. Jr. they are put off by the matching hair-dos. That’s disgusting, I know, I’m sorry. I’ll lay off Mel, he’s not the only one turning the WaMu Theatre into an episode of “What Not to Wear”. Who the fuck tells these kids that they look good in those suits? I honestly want to know what lackey is sitting at Saks with these kids going: “Damn Jamarcus, on the biggest day of your life you should definitely rock that canary yellow suit with that aqua ascot. We all know you’re going to the Raiders, but fuck that mother fucker, silver and black is boring!”

            I digress as usual, but I’ll level with you here. Besides the fashion, the two things I hate the most about the draft are the media/team interplay, and the flip-flopping that goes on by the so-called experts. First I will examine the interplay.

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, this is what happens. Teams spread rumors via the press so that other teams are forced to make moves. For example: The Seahawks are leaking out that they are interested in drafting Mark Sanchez because in theory it makes sense. To the layperson it seems Hasslebeck (their current QB) is getting older and they need a plan for succession. While that may be, Seneca Wallace did a descent job filling in as a backup, and this a team that has absolutely dominated their division until one hiccup last year. For that reason I would assert that the Seahawks are a team that is really built to win now, and when Hasslebeck is healthy they are pretty good. You forget (along with the rest of the NFL), that before last year Hasslebeck hadn’t missed more than four games in a season. Adding a back up or even third string QB with the number four pick in the draft almost never happens. Can you think of an example? I can’t. The Seahawks are basically taking advantage of the ESPN hype machine creating a market for their pick.

            By doing this Seattle ensures that the Redskins, Jets, or some other shadowy figure will feel the urgency to break the bank and trade up to get Sanchez. It’s the Seahawk’s hope that they will wind up netting more picks further down so they can avoid paying an unproven commodity “Top 5” money.

I guess just like the rest of the NFL season, the hype has become the real entertainment. Never mind the actual product, speculation is where the real excitement is! I hate that ethos, but unfortunately it seems to have become the norm. I’d rather just watch the draft and see what happens, plus there isn’t really enough time for speculation in the fifteen minutes in-between picks.

            The flip-flopping is where the real fun starts. Lets take a good look at Percy Harvin because the dude is a fucking stud. I know I’m a little bit of an SEC homer, but this guy was the best athlete in college football the past two seasons. There’s just one little problem: he got caught smoking pot. Consequently, all week you are going to hear analyst after analyst tell you about Percy’s “off the field problems”. I’m not condoning this man’s recreational drug use, but I will say this: After Percy drops the 15 picks that are requisite for such an offense, those same analysts are going to compliment the team that takes him on an almost embarrassing level. They’ll say “What great value to get an athlete like Percy Harvin with the 42^nd pick in the draft, he was arguably the best athlete in the country the past two years.” “You know Mel, I think the Bills had the best draft, to get Hugh Bizzalls where they did, and then Percy Harvin that late. Brasstacks GM has a future in this league!”

            So let me get this straight, with the 18^th pick Percy is the next Pacman Jones or Ted Kaczynski, but at the 42^nd pick he is the next Randy Moss or Reggie Bush? It doesn’t make any god damn sense whatsoever, but I haven’t gotten to the best part yet. Chances are Percy has a solid five years in the league before he destroys his ACL, he’s too good not to and failing one drug test doesn’t make him OJ Simpson.

The best part is that you know someone who will be drafted in front of Percy (already labeled a “can’t miss”) will wind up being the biggest bust of the draft. Someone like I don’t know…..Andre Smith! Remember this guy? He skipped the Sugar Bowl to sign with an agent and according to some reports has added 70 pounds of fat since then. One scout said he looks like “he’s just given up”. Todd McShay will tell you on draft day about Andre’s “tremendous upside” and Mel has him in his mock top ten. When he can’t block this year because he quit caring, fans will boo, sports talk radio will crucify him, and he’ll be out of the league quickly. Then next year when the next offensive tackle starts pulling the same shit and acting like a clown, Todd will be front and center calling him the next Andre Smith. You flip and you flop and your analysis is slippery slop.

Oh and one more thing! The immediacy with which experts are grading teams’ drafts is an exercise in retardation. Basically the only thing that has changed is that now we know what teams these guys are on. They still haven’t played a down in the league therefore we still know nothing. I remember Mel Kiper Jr. gave Jerry Reese’s (The Black Jesus) (pictured) first draft a “C”. I guess that “C” was for “C” you holding the Lombardi Trophy you glorified “Kaboom”. “Lack of top end speed” and “disappointing vertical leap” my ass.

Needless to say, I will be watching the draft with the sound turned off so I can enjoy it! You’ll always be my number one pick; I’ll always be Teddy Jones right here at The Gumption.