A very happy birthday to Butang today! It just so happens that a funny thing happened on the way to his birthday brunch on Saturday. On the first truly warm day of the year, the cab driver that was my chauffer snidely remarked: “It was better when it was winter.” I did a double take. “Are you kidding me man? This winter was brutal.” He turned around at the red light and pointed to a rather hefty female crossing the street. “I didn’t need to see that.” I almost pissed my pants.
I don’t know why four hundred pound women of ghetto descent shop at Baby Gap, but it seems to be a fact of life in this fair city. Cottage cheese arms and seemingly limitless cleavage from sagging 48EEE breasts are almost as plentiful as taxi cabs themselves. These people must believe they still weigh the same as they did at thirteen. Or perhaps they just haven’t been shopping since then, either way something has got to give.
Put on some fucking clothing, please I beg of you. It is one thing to “accentuate your curves”, it is quite another to be imitating “Stay Puft” (pictured) on a regular basis. Older men are not immune to this either. If when you look down you can’t see your dick, tank tops are out of the question. Come to think of it, if you can’t see your vagina, tank tops are out of the question. Unless of course you are pregnant, hell hath no fury like a pregnant woman. I digress.
This summer, food is going to be very expensive, so here’s an idea: EAT LESS OF IT! Then you’d be able to fit into that halter-top you got when Method Man first rocked a solo album. Until then, invest in a bra that functions as a harness and for god sakes buy some beefy t shirts. Thanks. I’m Teddy Jones and this is The Gumption.
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