In Defense of Birthdays

            Dad told me opinions are like assholes, everybody’s got one. Pops forgot to include birthdays on that list, but for the sake of brevity I’ll let him slide. A frequent reader of The Gumption griped to me the other day: “Ted, what is it with birthdays? Every weekend someone has a party!” While I understand the sentiment, birthday parties are a worthwhile endeavor. I patted him on the back and responded: “You don’t hate birthdays, you hate Facebook.”

 

o     Issue # 1: Pre-Facebook, if it was Joe Fringefriend’s birthday, you didn’t know and you didn’t care. Now there is a small pang of guilt because you can see it’s his birthday. This feeling leads to what I call a PP or pity post. It goes a little something like this: “Happy Birthday Man! Let’s catch up soon!” I know it’s disingenuous, but Facebook has forced me to PP all over the place.

 

o     Issue # 2: Facebook has made organizing guest lists easier than ever, but with great invitational power comes great invitational responsibility. I got invited to a pregame last week with 78 other people. Huh? Poor spatial reasoning aside, even I see the ploy. They are casting a wide net so they attract a good crowd. They didn’t account for the fact that I am way too smart for this sort of stunt. I use the “x over 7 Facebook Invite Postulate©”. Take the number of invitees and divide by 7 and you get a good feeling for the numbers. My confidence interval is like + or – 5 people. On a slightly sadder note, I am now incorporating 7^th grade algebra into planning my Friday night…no binomial.

 

o     Issue # 3: Invites show you a list of those “attending” the soirée. For me the decision to go to a birthday is usually determined by glancing at said list. If the list contains enough people I like, I’m in. If the list contains a roster of women that look inviting, I’m in. If the list contains anyone named for a time of day, there is no fucking way I am showing up. Anyone named Eve or Dawn is predestined to ruin my night. FACT.

 

There you have it, and I beg you to consider the following: The more birthdays you attend; the more people will attend yours. So get out there, light some candles, make some wishes, and continue to PP freely. Hahahah that was a cheap one, but as always I am Teddy Jones and this is The Gumption.