Fuck you hicky! Fuck whoever invented you and fuck your weeklong healing process. Purple, red, black, blue, or that ugly “healing brown”, the hickies of the rainbow suck literally and figuratively. I would rather get a tooth filled than get a hicky, fuck it I’d rather get two teeth filled. Where is all of this animosity coming from? A frequent reader of the Gumption recently wrote me with the following story:
"I have a long distance girlfriend (X) and we’ve been dating for about a year or so. X and my best girl friend (Y) do not get along. I think they see each other as competition. Upon X’s last visit; she gave me a huge fucking hicky as a 'fuck you' to Y. I know X would never admit that, but I have reasons for my conclusion. Anyway, I walked around for a week looking like I’d been punched by an 8 year old. The hicky was right below my ear, and nothing could really cover it up. All my friends and co-workers went to town. I was fucking humiliated. Y has been acting really weird towards me ever since. This has me really upset Teddy. I feel like a dick and I didn’t do anything wrong! How should I proceed?"
Break up with X. Tell her to take her leech like tendencies and suck on someone else’s epidermis. I think this is the most territorial and inconsiderate move there is. And you know what? Guys do it too and that makes me fucking incensed. “Damn dude she was so good I lost it, it was an accident.” Bullshit there is no such thing as an accidental hicky, just like there is no such thing as an accidental baby. You were fucking without a condom, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN? All right enough of this rant without any type of logical progression; I’ll formalize my shit.
· Hickies Hurt: Fact! Sex Strawberries feel like an external sore throat. You can’t lie on a pillow, you can’t bend your neck, fuck it you can’t even watch TV without constant throbbing.
· Hickies are Visible: Say what you want about rug burns or even the clap, that shit isn’t visible. Hickies are a billboard saying: “Look at me! I was getting some ass! She was all up on my neck like The Count (pictured above), and I was way into it.”
· Hickies are Targets Man, hickies bring out all the fucking critics. I mean you’ll always have that one friend who is cruel enough to make fun of a black eye or a broken leg. But everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, loves to make fun of a hicky. Especially the office idiot. I hate getting made fun of by the office idiot, its like “Oh you too? You’re gonna make fun of me? You pick your nose all day and wear Christmas sweaters in February, and you’re going to make fun of me? Fuck it at least I’m getting some pussy dude, wait, no, even that doesn’t make me feel better. Aw shucks.”
· Hickies mark Territory: The following scenario works for either sex: Assume you are single and looking to mingle. You get a hicky on a Thursday night via a random hook up. The opposite sex partner who gave you that Pleasure Pimple is all but assuring you won’t be fucking anyone else over the course of weekend. You are now involuntary committed all because of a stupid fucking Lust Legion. I’m all for commitment, in fact I hate being single, but to force my hand is offensive and invasive. You can take my semen, but you’ll never take my promiscuity!
· Hickies are Juvenile: Yeah, sure, playing soccer was awesome. So was the Ice Cream truck, AOL, cartoons, slap bracelets, checkers, Hootie and the Blowfish, and the first time you masturbated. Hickies fall into that same bucket. All that shit was grand, but face facts, you are a fucking adult and you should start behaving like one.
In short, don’t give hickies and don’t receive hickies. You know when the member of the opposite sex is going in for the kill. Don’t let it happen. There is one funny thing that came out of this article. I was laughing to myself: Some girls will stop at anything to make sure that you don’t put it in their ass, but them giving you a hicky is OK. Really? Fuckin' A Man. I’m Teddy Jones, and this my friend, this…is The Gumption.
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