Your Poor Huddled Masses

I recall the day I first setup my iPhone. My contacts were loaded successfully, my tunes all synced; now to notify everyone I changed my number. I start to add all who were important into a text with the new digits. All those tech savvy Mac snobs in the audience (it takes one to know one) will remember that the original iPhone did not allow you to mass text. Realizing that I would either have to tell people one by one or start a Facebook group, I fumed, I shouted, I ranted, but little did I know this was a blessing in disguise.

            Since then, I have grown to know what you will undoubtedly understand after this post. Mass texting, simply put, is the worst evil that I will write about today. It’s not really that bad, but it’s mildly annoying. Made you look right? So now that I’ve put this subject’s real relevance into a legitimate perspective, away we go! 

• The Save the Date: Civilized people used to send this message on formal stationary known as “Save the Date” cards. This text usually goes: “Hey see you on Saturday night @ 8:30, don’t be late!” Simple enough right, but what if you have an overprotective girlfriend? I can see it now: I am drying off from a shower, walk into my room, and my girlfriend is holding my phone with that “GOTCHA!” look on (ladies you know exactly what I’m talking about). “Who the hell is Michelle and why are you two hanging out Saturday night at 8:30? I thought you were going out with Kevin!” Of course she doesn’t know that Michelle is throwing Kevin a surprise birthday dinner, and I don’t blame her for being upset. Even if I did, that would just make it way worse.

• The Well Wisher We’re in a recession and holiday cards are an unnecessary expense. Instead, these Mass Texters want you to know: “Merry Christmas!”, “Happy Thnxgvng!”, or “Happy N Healthy New Year!”. Wow! Thanks! Now I know you like me at least as much as the other 25 people you sent this to. The other thing that bothers me about Well Wishing is that it usually comes from someone you could care less about. It’s always that guy in the office you were reluctant to give your number to, or the kid from high school no one talks to anymore. I guess more so than the sentiment, it’s the sender of these messages that's bogus.

• The Raconteur Usually something to the affect of: “Yo last night was BANANAS! Sick time! BROOOOOOOOO!” While I value your enthusiasm and agree with the sentiment, I object sir to the format. Let's go back to the situation with the overprotective girlfriend. I do not want to have to explain beating up a bouncer, the reason my pants have a gaping hole, shitting in a trash can, getting hit on by Jennifer Love Hewitt, or that fight I got into with an eight year old (See:Passion Contusion). You may not have a girlfriend, but someone you're sending this text to certainly does. 

Bottom line: Don’t mass text, because you’ll wind up just another lonely Masshole. WHOOPS! Forgot that term was already taken by people from Massachusetts! I am Teddy Jones and this is The Gumption.