The first couple of posts I wrote for this website were via my company’s computer. “No big deal, the articles are in attachments, as long as it’s not in the body of the email it should be fine.” Boy was I wrong! The day after I posted Sour Puss, “Conf Room B” flashed on my caller ID. Calls from conference rooms immediately result in one of the following: being pulled into a meeting, getting fired, or getting in trouble. None of these outcomes were in my best interest.
My boss is in her early thirties, cute and sexy, but not a complete knockout. She has brown hair that hits her shoulders, a very nice smile, and a disconcertingly shrill tone when she is upset. Upon walking into the conference room, she greets me with said tone. “I can’t believe you wrote this shit Zach, you are supposed to be a professional.” She throws every post I had written to date in front of me. “Firm policy stipulates that I read the offending passages to you, I can’t believe I have to do this.”
Surprisingly, I kept it together while she read Sour Puss. I did feel like a third grader getting a lecture on profanity, but it was my fault. She’s reading the conversation, ok…that’s not bad just a couple of fuck’s, “spot on mother fucker”, again not so terrible, oh shit she’s about to read… “hook you up with my roommate (WHO HAS A FOOT LONG DICK).” I have never been more physically conflicted, my jaw is clenching to fight back a cackle like the Hyena’s in the Lion King. The fact that dick just came out of her mouth is hilarious (no homo), BUT I CAN’T LAUGH! Yuck that feels awful, but that’s ok its done.
“Now I really did enjoy Brenda’s Beastly Breath,” my boss uttered, “I’m curious, how do you know what turkey jizz looks like?” ......sigh. To make sure you never encounter the email fairy, I have enclosed a list of words that you can substitute for curses. Enjoy!
v Shit: SHT, SCHIT, SCHNIT, and 5H1T.
v Fuck: PUCK (That’s enough Jonah!), PHUK, F***, or FAHK.
v Ass: @$$, A$$, @SS, or ACE (Just for JPK)
v Bitch: B1TCH, BITSH, or BETCH
v Misc.: H0M0 (JONAH!), N0 H0M0, D1K, PU$$EE, PU55Y, SEEMEN, J1ZZ, GIZZ, C U Next Tuesday, or child out of wedlock.
Got any I’m missing? Let me know, I need to expand my vocabulary because I am Teddy Jones and this is The Gumption.
2 comments:
just to clarify, "child out of wedlock" should be used in place of "bastard", unless anyone can think of a more clever way to apply it...actually, if "bastard" was used in a sentence to mean "child out of wedlock" wouldn't that technically be ok?
Ascot.. Ascot ties
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