I Am A Public Toilet

Recently while I was out with Marcus Effronicus in SoNo (CT), I was approached by an interesting twosome. One of the girls was very sexy and claimed to be from Sao Paolo, Brazil. She had naturally beautiful dark hair that flowed down below her shoulders, a cute button nose, sinister smile, and a tan that was not natural. Her friend was from Germany, and while she was less sexy, she was quite good looking. She had short highlighted blonde hair, overly tweezed eyebrows (yuck), a pretty smile, huge knockers, and a fake tan. Brazilian girls are known for being well groomed, German girls are known for putting out, and I’m known for putting myself in win-win situations.

Even though they looked to be in their late twenties, they claimed to be local college students. So in good fun, I claimed to be a writer for the New York Times. While smoking cigarettes, they began to make small talk with me to avoid some other choch. As an aside, the kid they were avoiding was too drunk to stand up straight and I’m pretty sure he vomited twice while we were outside. They informed me that I was “way more nice and way more person-ha-bell” than him; I thanked them for the cigarette, but not the backhanded compliment. It seemed we were building some mutual respect, and I could see that they were interested in getting to know me. The German began inquiring about my job and I did some incredible bullshiting as usual.

I informed them that I was writing a profile on Marcus because he was having tremendous success as an up-and-coming real estate agent in troubling times. Then the German asked me if I had a girlfriend, and to that I responded yes. “Good,” she replied, “We have a saying in Germany that men are like public toilets. The good ones are taken and the other ones are full of shit.” “That’s crazy!” I replied, “We have a saying in America that goes: German girls love it in the butt and have loose vaginas.”

While I understand my statement was not conducive to getting either of these girls into bed, insulting people is a pastime of mine. Besides her stupid comment had made me lose interest. The fact is I don’t have a girlfriend, and she was 100% right that I was full of shit. Fuck her for showing me up!

The fact is most countries and cultures have a stupid little feminist statement just like that. In high school I remember someone saying: “Guys are like parking spaces, all the good ones are taken.” While slightly less vulgar than the German saying (fucking fascists), it is nonetheless insulting. Allow me to break it down. 

• Most men are single at one point in their lives; they cannot always be taken. Therefore you are at one point a lovely little pot to piss in, and at another a steaming heap of vile feces. I refuse to believe that my value as a human being is that flimsily changed. By this logic Alex Rodriguez became a douche bag because of his recent divorce, then became cool again because he was fucking Madonna. Thank god he's all good! 

• Wife beaters need a wife to operate; sorry to ruin your stupid opinion with facts. By your logic wife beaters are “taken” and therefore prime real estate. Whoops! Didn’t really think that one through did you? You were too busy fantasizing about what Hitler’s cock looked like. Some notable individuals you are putting up above me: OJ Simpson, Ike Turner, Bobby Brown, John Bobbit, and Chris Brown. Get the picture? I do feel bad for Chris though, how the hell was he supposed to breath with no air? 

• The same girls who will recount to you said line in another circumstance would drool over George Clooney. Even I think he is quite handsome, actually fuck it the dude is the pimp of all pimps, no wife, no girlfriend, no homo, the guy is a fucking innovator. But young lady, by your flawed logic, George Clooney is a heaping pile of dung not worthy of your time. Face facts you Nazi, you couldn’t shit on George if your life depended on it. 

Next time someone says that line to you, feel free to rebut it with one of these sterling arguments. Hang in there! Only one more day until the weekend, but I know you’re not thinking about that. You’re thinking about Friday and some scrumptious ass Dingleberries! Send my best to Munich you slut! I’m Theodore Jones and this is The Gumption.