The Parallel Relationship of Sex and Alcohol

            Today I am going to blow your mind a little bit, but that’s cool I’m sure you can handle it. Yesterday during lunch with the Italian Stallion it dawned on us that drinking and sex follow similar trajectories in our lifetime. Obviously drinking and sex are correlated, but the role that each of them play individually in our lives are incredibly similar when considered separately. In other words, while I understand that one follows the other, I contend that their appeal and frequency of use follow the same curve when plotted against our age. Huh? Allow me to explain. 

·    Adolescence: I need you to think back to your middle school years right before you were having sex and drinking. Guys for you this period was characterized by the ability to jerk off, but girls not yet wanting to have sex. I’ll say it, that shit was purgatory! Everyday you talked about sex with your homeboys. Blowjobs, tits, ass, blumpkins, dirty sanchezs, pictures of Pamela’s boobies (I still love you!), etc.. You yearned for the day that girls would move from 2^nd to 3^rd, and fantasized about banging that hot senior. For girls, I have no idea what the hell you were doing during this time except growing boobies, having acne, and rejecting me. Don’t worry we’re cool now, I guess, but consider the following whether male or female: Although we wouldn’t have admitted it at the time, sex was somewhat intimidating for everyone involved. No matter what kind of game we talked or how bad we wanted it, sex was pretty scary. Best case we wouldn’t be very good at it, worst case we would knock up a fifteen year old. Enter drinking and it follows the same pattern. During this period in your life, you often talked about “getting waaaaayyyysteeddd” or “knocking back a couple brew dogs”. My personal favorite was drinking something totally non-alcoholic (a bottle of Root Beer) and pretending to be “hammered!” You talked the talk, but you were far from walking the walk. Just like sex, beer was scary because it was illegal and could kill you. Every “Scared Straight” episode started with a single sip of beer and ended with someone getting pounded in the ass by Nasty Nate. To add, you parents drank and your liquor cabinet was readily accessible. The feeling to experiment was strong, but still there was something off-putting about drinking alone. Bottom line: alcohol and sex are paralleling each other, they are both within reach, incredibly tantalizing, but nonetheless quite intimidating. 

·    Late Teens: Do you remember the joy when both of these things first entered you life on a somewhat regular basis? I sure do, it was fucking great. Hey, do you remember the first time you got drunk? Neither do I. However after that moment, every single weekend was focused around one question “where are we going?” The answer is usually  “someone’s house whose parents aren’t at home”. You had to take advantage of openings and make the most of any random situation that presented itself. Basically the role of alcohol at this point in your life was, drink where you can when you can. Sex again mirrors alcohol’s role. Just like your initial foray into drinking, the first time you had sex you probably weren’t the pro you are now. To add, once you started having sex on a regular basis there was a lot of scrambling. “My parents went out to dinner, come over!” “Want to park the car in the church parking lot?” “I really want to, but my Mom isn’t asleep yet.” You get the idea; I call this the opportunistic stage for both sex and drinking. You strike when the iron is hot, but nevertheless your opportunities are limited. 

·    College: WHOA EXCESS! The Italian Stallion called this period in life “The Audacity of Abundance”. Sex and alcohol are available every single night. Remember the first week of school? The line from Wedding Crashers comes to mind: “I bet you’d like to get drunk and make some bad decisions.” And fuck yeah we made the most of it. To add to newfound availability, this is the first time sex and alcohol meet as a direct result of one another. I don’t know any kids in high school who slept with girls who got hit by trucks as a result of drinking, I can’t count how many times I’ve heard that story in college. Fantastic levels of alcohol consumption and sex are a lot of fun for a while, however as college peters out, the excess wears thin. The real world encroaches and with it dreaded moderation of both sex and drinking. 

·    Post College: Sex gets less frequent. Girls want to be in committed relationships that are leading towards marriage. Some dudes struggle to make the transition from college to the pros. Its funny to watch them because they think the first year out of school is like freshman year again. They believe women are just going to start ripping off their shirts and fucking them all over the Joshua Tree. These gents have neglected the fact that they have moved from top dog at college to the bottom of society’s barrel. Awesome. Alcohol consumption begins to dwindle the more serious work becomes. While competing against the world for your meals, showing up to work hung-over is not in your best interest. Even worse, we start to realize that going out both nights of a weekend is a chore. I heard the following complaint from a coworker the other day: “I have parties both nights this weekend and I am so fucking pissed, I’m going to be so tired next week”. I silently nod my head in agreement and come to grips with how little fun I have become. Again though sex and alcohol are following the same path. 

It’s not all bad; it seems like once you have kids you start drinking all the time. There’s not an older person I know who doesn’t drink wine or beer everyday. Viagra commercials lead me to believe that sex continues to parallel drinking. Fuck man, Cialis is like “anytime, anywhere, mother fucker you are good to go!” I’m in! I am also Teddy Jones and this is The Gumption.

 

PS It turns out those snotty Wall Street bitches from my commentary the other week WERE LIEING! Or at least they were telling half-truths. Double shame on you New York Times!