GOOD LAWDY MISS MAWDY! HALLELUJAH! LORD HAVE MERCY! Why you ask? Why do we rejoice this Monday? It appears as though the Good Dr. Dollar is ready to share his secrets with the world.
“For quite some time now, people have been calling for Dr. Creflo Dollar to explain to the public how he is able to live such a successful life.”
Oh we certainly have! Dr. Dollar must have sixty messages on his voicemail from me personally, and you know Butang is straight spamming his inbox. You should’ve never tried to hold out on us, we know you paid. With a name like Dollar? Shit! You must be “young, black, and famous with money hangin’ out the anus” (M. Embetha, 1998). What is your secret to success sir? Butang thinks its your “World Famous Creflo Mustaches Rides”, I think its simply because you are a man of Jesus. Look at your cufflinks, your perfect smile, your pensive hand formation, and your duplicative wedding rings. Jesus must love you and I’ll be damn if I don’t need a wet towel. In this time of global crisis, please sir, tell us how we can live a successful life!
“Two people can argue on how to bake a pound cake, but the only way to determine whose recipe is right is by following the recipe and the result will be self-explanatory.”
Fuck you…are so wise Dr. Dollar, but you don’t have to prove your credentials to me. I am a believer; I know that your recipe for pound cake is best. The way you bake in the sprinkles to make those cool colors, and your creamy, thick, sticky, and warm icing is sublime. I know it is “self-explanatory”, but I am a bit slow, could you please explain?
“The words that you listen to determine how you think, your thinking determines how you feel, your feelings determine your decisions, your decisions determine your actions, your actions determine what becomes your habits, your habits create your character and your character determines your outcome or destiny.”
Seems simple enough, the words I listen to affect the outcome of my life. Atchoo! Sorry Dr. Dollar, it seems my allergy to bullshit kicks in at the most inopportune times. Could it be you are placing so much emphasis on the words I listen to because you are an evangelist and your career depends on selling your words? If I were a betting man, I’d say your entire book attempts to prove that by listening to your words, my outcome in life will be better. Oh wait, it does? At this juncture, Butang is jumping up and down, yelling in tongues, and threatening to “cut you”. Creflo, we at The Gumption are reasonable people and we are willing to give you one more chance. Perhaps one of your followers can tell of a life redeemed?
“I can give an example of when I was a freshman in college. I remember moving to Atlanta and the first song I heard when I got to Atlanta was a very sexually suggestive song singing to a woman about how the singer wanted to do all kinds of sexual things in all kinds of places with this woman. This song became one of my favorites. Everytime it was on the radio I turned it up loud, when I saw the music video I paid close attention, I learned the words and sung them to myself. The words I was getting were sexually driven. So those "words" determined how I thought about sex. I wanted to do all kinds of sexual things with women in all different places”
Oh sir you are the worst sort of heathen. You wanted to do sexual things with women in all different places! How dirty! How disgusting! I bet I know who the singer was, but let’s continue OOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAYYYYYYY??????
“ So my thinking began to dictate my emotions, and eventually how I felt about the subject began to determine what I did. I would pursue women and eventually I would convince them to do all kinds of sexual things in different places. So my actions determined what my habits were. I had a habit of being sexually promiscuous. And that became part of my character and the outcome or destination was different drama I had to deal with, (though I say I was "luckier" than most in that same situation.)”
Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop the bus! What is that last line supposed to mean? He is completely contradicting himself: Luckier than most in that same situation? That either means this dude was lucky not to contract Mike Vick’s herpes or he was lucky because he got a lot of ass. Either way, I have trouble feeling bad for someone attracting a lot of women and fucking them in different places. Furthermore, I fail to see how this would result in someone buying one of Mr. Dollar’s sermons. Shall we continue?
“In this book, Creflo Dollar is saying to get the right words (the Word of God from the Bible) and spend more time with the right words and then from there you can literally create the life you want. I encourage you to get this book and read it. But don't stop at reading it. Do it, apply it, follow the recipe.... "bake the pound cake," and see if you can start in the right direction creating the life you want.”
Apply this you bible beater: Fuck your pound cake Creflo Dollar, I am now drinking Will Power’s punch. I guess dire times call for great inspiration, just not from these ass clowns. I am Teddy Jones and you inspire me daily, right here at The Gumption.
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