While “night drinking” produces it share of fantastic moments, I contend that “day drinking” is not merely its bastard cousin. While tailgating was a staple of my college experience, mid morning boozing has slowly receded from my existence. To quote Lee Corso: “Not so fast my friend!” This weekend I had the pleasure and honor to attend a Hoboken St. Patty’s day party, and the results were splendid. Many thanks obviously to the hostesses and a big shout to the Gumption readers who were in attendance. That said I thought I’d share a couple highlights for your enjoyment.
· Upon passing a girl holding a full pizza box and eating it with her friends, I shouted: “No I will not eat your box!” Her friend in astonishment responded: “Why not?”
· I (un)intentionally stole a chess piece from a party we attended. Said piece was a knight, and I didn’t remember I had stolen it until I sat down on it. Serves me right, the knight is on its way back to its rightful owner.
· I stole a Cadbury Egg from under the nose of a cashier at a famous New York City pharmacy. Cadbury Eggs are amazing, thank fucking god easter is here…NO SCHLOMO! I did not return the Cadbury Egg, I consumed it quickly, forcefully, and entirely. Suck it.
· If you have not yet had Defonte’s, I am not sure I want to be your friend. Just to let you know how good this place is: Butang refuses to venture above 14th Street, but he has already indicated this place is good enough to make him do so. Let me put that into perspective, I have lived in the city for a year and he has never seen my apartment because of its location. However, because of the amazing freshness and abundance of flavor, he will make the jaunt for a “sangweech”. Try it knucklehead and tell Franky that Teddy sent you.
· I saw the guy pictured in real life. Originally I had downloaded this photo as our inaugural creature feature; to see him in real life was amazing. He is 6’4”, huge, jacked, has googly eyes, might be a heroin addict, and is scary as all fuck. He hangs outs on 23rd between Madison Square Park and 2nd Avenue. You have been warned!
· Heineken now makes bigger keg cans, like “Tall Boy” versions. I was lauded for my beer selection, bring these to your next party and you can be to!
· The Zach Shirtman story! Let me preface this by saying that I really like this kid. I know him since kindergarten, and he was the kid who always did things his own way. Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? Zach was more or less a problem child who has done every drug on the planet. I still like him and I guess a part of me just feels bad for him. What I am about to unfold is completely true, and I hope you enjoy it!
Zach had a friend name Anne whom he is no longer close with as a result of this story. Anne got mixed up in a number of drugs that “good Jewish girls” don’t get mixed up in. Ecstasy, acid, coke, you name it she did it. Her boyfriend was the enabler; a drug dealer named Jeff. Anne reluctantly agrees to go on a family vacation to Europe, not realizing that the drugs leaving her system will cause a nasty reaction. At the same time that Anne is in Europe, Jeff is enjoying a month long stint in rehab. While Anne is taking out her withdrawal on the family, Jeff is breaking out of rehab. Jeff calls Anne and tells her he needs somewhere to crash. Anne calls Zach and asks him to baby sit Jeff in her brand new mansion and make sure that he does not touch any drugs. Zach and Jeff go on an ecstasy bender for the better part of five days in an awesome new house. Problem solved! Until....Anne’s family cuts their vacation short due to her insane behavior. Anne knowing that the family is about to walk in on Zach and Jeff confesses everything on the cab ride home from the airport. The drugs, the crazy boyfriend, and somehow that it’s Zach’s fault that she got into that crap in the first place. Whether or not that’s true is up for debate, but here’s the scene: The family arrives home in the limo and Zach and Jeff are completely caught off guard. They are rolling hard as fuck and are pouring water all over themselves. The parents walk in and find them and can’t believe what they see. The Dad asks the Zach and Jeff to carry in the luggage, they do so while sweating bullets and acting like people do who are on ecstasy. They have to finish out their bender around the family, and somehow this all becomes Zach's fault. Ahahahahah!
Crazy fucking story, gotta love high school friends! Welcome back, I hope you enjoyed the weekend! I am Teddy Jones and this is The Gumption.
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