It's Not Easy Being Green

I’ve realized that soda makes me quite bloated. While cans are never a problem, I’ve surmised that the four extra ounces of carbonation in a 20 oz Diet Pepsi are the culprit. Out of respect for my coworkers, I’ve decided against turning every afternoon into Teddy’s Anus plays Don Giovanni. Although the arias are fantastic, the stench is enough to make one throw tomatoes.

As with all things nutritional, I posed the dilemma to my brother. He is a health nut, but not in the same (kooky deep-end) way my mom is. “Dude do you know how much sugar is in soda? That crap is horrible for you.” While agreeing with him, I ask him for a suggestion. I tell him I require something sweet to compliment my lunch. Nantucket Nectars? “Almost as much sugar.” Snapple? “Dude come on that shit is terrible for you too. Why not green tea?” While unenthused, I decided to follow his lead and the transition begins.

Three weeks in, I no longer sit at my desk feeling like a hot air balloon releasing ballast. While the physical results have been good, the taste of green tea leaves a lot to be desired. Honestly, it tastes like water with a sharp hint of indifference. I mean seriously, is there anyone out there who likes the taste of green tea? Everybody drinks it because its “healthy”, and I cannot stand that rationale. For something to be deemed “healthy” it needs to pass my “bullshit test”. A co-worker was kind enough to send me such evidence on green tea’s behalf, so today, green tea, is your judgment day.

 

1. It is used to treat multiple sclerosis. While I appreciate this benefit, I don’t have multiple sclerosis, so for me it is utterly meaningless.  –1 Green Tea
2. It is used for treatment and prevention of cancer. Again, you’re not pulling any heartstrings on the treatment angle here Green Tea. However, the prevention of cancer is worth the listless taste. +1 Green Tea
3. It is used to stop Alzheimer's and Parkinson's diseases. Whoa!!!!!! Get out of here!!!!! It stops both? That’s awesome! Too bad I don’t have either. –1 Green Tea
4. It is used to raise the metabolism and increase fat oxidation. Sounds good. +1 Green Tea
5. It reduces the risk of heart diseases and heart attacks by reducing the risk of trombosis. I use all tools at my disposal when evaluating things, and in my tool kit is spell check. Trombosis is not a real word; therefore it is not a real condition. –1 Green Tea
6. It reduces the risk of esophageal cancer. I was ready to give this a plus one, but then I realized that this falls under the umbrella of #2! Outrageous! Trying to sneak one by me? –1 Green Tea
7. Drinking green tea inhibits the growth of certain cancer cells, reduces the level of cholesterol in blood, improves the ratio of good cholesterol to bad cholesterol. If this was Law and Order the judge would say: “You’re going in circles counselor, do you have a point or are you just trying to play games?” At this point, Green Tea would respond: Shrug. +.5 Green Tea
8. It is used to treat rheumatoid arthritis and cardiovascular diseases I’m in, except for the fact that I don’t have either. –1 Green Tea
9. It is used to treat impaired immune function. I get sick a bunch so I assume I have an impaired immune function. Thank you for repairing it. +1 Green Tea 
10. Some researches show that, drinking green tea regularly may help prevent tooth decay by killing the bacteria which causes the dental plaque. Dental work is such a pain in the ass, just ask Paul Wall. +1 Green Tea

All told Green Tea put up a ghastly -.5 on its bullshit exam. What does that mean? Positive scores mean that the product is descent for you, a zero means it is body neutral, and a negative number means that it’s bullshit. So there you have it Green Tea is complete bullshit, but I’ll keep drinking it because I don’t want to create a shitstorm. Literally.  I’m Teddy Jones and this is The Gumption.