Can you feel it? Spring is upon us. Winter’s icy grip has begun to recede and I could not be more excited. It’s almost as if you can feel the last cold gusts of wind beginning to pour out of mother nature’s lungs. While I may be a bit early in my proclamation, this weekend certainly felt like the earth was tilting our way.
Lately I’ve taken some time to mentally masturbate about spring’s many pleasures. Fat Latinas wearing clothes designed for eight year olds, European men wearing capris, ice cream cones, playing sports outside, Good Friday (Thank You Jesus!), iced coffee, and the return of the 3rd Avenue street fair. I love that street fair. No cars on the street, kebabs with various meat, pop corn that is sweet, t-shirts that are neat, boy what a treat. Don’t forget the smell of sweaty feet! Wait, WTF?
That’s right, the return of spring to the city means that foul odors will begin their yearly migration to your nostrils. Hell hath no fury like spoiled curry mixed with dog shit. Whether you live in NYC, or plan to visit over the warmer months, I have prepared a guide of some of the more common bad smells that will grace your olfactory system.
o Human Being – This smells like your own armpits after forgetting to put on deodorant in the morning…times about fifteen. Usually the same guys wearing the capris are the offenders, the French and the Dutch hate to wash. I’ve noticed lately though that cab drivers are developing a brand of stink all their own. Kind of like Sex Panther, mixed with seven-week-old Chicken Tikka Masala. Do me a favor and roll down a fucking window before I vomit?
o G Flat – Its what the kids are calling General Flatulence these days. I was out with Butang Saturday night and good goddamn! Someone had posted up at the bar and was firing volley after volley of G Flat towards everyone in the surrounding area. Dude, take a nice long shit and stop the mass asphyxiation games. I know I’m a big proponent of farting in public, but this person’s anal bouquet was enough to kill a tapir.
o Dried Alcohol and Piss – I grouped these two together because where there is one, there is always the other. Every morning I’ll get a fresh whiff outside of Tonic, and on the way back from the gym outside the new Brother Jimmy’s. At first it just kind of smells like beer then all of a sudden there is a hint of just too nasty. Your eyes start to water and your stomach is induced into a slight turn. Before you know it, you are wondering why anyone would let a little Captain in them, only to let it out again on the street. Yuck!
o Homeless Dude – Combine the three listed above and you got your basic homeless dude stench. Nine out of ten times that trash bag or mound of blankets is moving because there is someone underneath. Just a word to the wise.
o Trash – I hate to get scientific, but black trash bags in mass quantities make no sense. The color of black (the absence of light) absorbs the sun’s rays and traps its heat. In mass, trash bag heaps are nothing more then stank greenhouses. Different concoctions are left to swelter, smolder, and roast on the hot pavement. I’ll never forget one day last summer outside of Baruch College I was hit with the following ingredients: rotten banana pancakes, onions, dog shit, homeless dude, and rotting flesh. Not sure if the last two had anything to do with one another, I hope not.
o Subway – Yeah, I get asked three times a week during the spring, “What is that?” Truthfully when it comes to the subway I have no idea. I swear the MTA should trademark some of the nastiness that emanates from its subterranean properties. Be it raw sewage mixed with rodent feces, or stinky immigrant mixed with Mrs. TooMuchPerfume, there is always something crazy going down on the subway.
o Subway – No you’re not seeing double, the place that sells $5 foot longs has one of the most recognizable scents in the universe. I can be three blocks away and smell their “fresh bread” baking. Worst of all they are all over the city, so literally anywhere you stand in NYC you are being hit with the stench of at least one Subway. Crazy right?
I’m sure that there are others, but those are the ones I encounter most frequently. We hope you are ready for another week, and if you haven’t done so yet please get in on our OSTGB Contest. We already have a bunch of entries and we want to make sure you don’t miss out. You know what? I’m Teddy Jones, I missed you this weekend, but now we’re all back together right here at The Gumption!
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