Unless you live in an isolation chamber, you’ve realized it’s cold and flu season. I absolutely detest getting sick, especially when its not my fault. Recently I caught a sore throat from one of my co-workers. She was “unable to swallow for a week”, but nevertheless showed up everyday. Each day I remember telling her to “stay the fuck home”, but all I got for my good advice was her sore throat. What got me so pissed about this particular instance was that I didn’t blame her. Corporate culture frowns upon taking sick days and today I have decided to delve deeper into this bovine fecal matter.
· Bluff Calling: Look its obvious some people abuse sick days, but truthfully that’s their right. They are afforded X number of days with no questions asked. How many an individual takes is their own business. It’s an honor system and most people play by the rules. Those who do fuck around eventually get theirs when they run out of sick days and have to suffer through work all messed up. What drives me absolutely bananas is when you come back from a sick day and people act like you were faking it. “Sick on a 50 degree day with the sun out, yeah, right.” I’m sorry if the sun was out the day my throat decided to feel like the Mohave Desert, I have no control over that. What is it that you think I was doing? Banging the Hawaiian Tropic girls? Lifting weights? Swimming in the reservoir and watching the grass grow in Central Park? I just don’t get it; my gut reaction when I hear someone was sick is to ask how he or she is feeling. If you’re a person who would rather pick on someone for it, I think you should have a nice warm mug of go fuck yourself. Honestly, it’s the most vulnerable a person gets, accusing them of dishonesty shows that you lack even the most fundamental decency.
· Pressure: I love how superiors make you feel like missing a day of work is the worst thing that could happen. “We really need you here everyday,” they tell you during orientation “we hired you because we need you.” That’s their way of saying; don’t take a sick day ever, seriously do not take a sick day ever. I challenge you to remember the last time you took a sick day. Upon your return, it probably took an hour for you to catch up on what you missed. Honestly no matter what kind of pressure you are under, two or three sick days in a row are not going to hurt. Don’t let your boss intimidate you, you probably make them look way better then they are, and for that alone you deserve time off.
· “The Call”: Because of the two issues mentioned prior, “the call” is incredibly awkward. I usually like to do it the night before my sick day. For some reason this tactic adds legitimacy, and your boss will appreciate the forewarning. Also it allows you to sleep in, which is generally what you need most when you are sick. Second tip, I do “the call” via text message. An actual phone call is very awkward because you feel as though you have to sound sick. I am not very good at sounding sick, usually I just sound constipated. Text messaging also allows you to employ another legitimacy tactic. Last year when I got the stomach flu, I texted my boss at 2:30am: “Not coming in tomw, I haven’t gotten off the toilet all night”. Never in a million years could I have said that on the phone, but via text it’s amazing. Not only does your time stamp prove you’re not bullshitting (pardon the pun), you are also creating an image of your sickness. Imagery is powerful when it comes to being ill. Compare the following, a phone call notifying your boss you have a sore throat or a text message at 3:30am saying: “I’m not coming in tomw, I just woke up because my throat hurts so bad I am having trouble producing phlegm.” I’ll take the latter and a day at home resting up for 1000 Alex!
· Fighting Through It: Macho men (and women) around your office will in some cases try and “fight through it”. This is one of the stupidest fucking mantras on earth. You are not Charles Oakley, you are not in the NFL, you are just a douche bag with a runny nose and a fever. For god sakes, put away your penis and tape measure and go home. Honestly, have you ever seen anyone in the work environment rewarded for “fighting through it”? Boss: “Everyone I want you to stop what you’re doing and put your hands together for Dave. This guy has been fighting through it all year; let’s really give it up for him! God I wish I had more people in this office like you Dave, you’re great and you have a massive dick! Alright Dave!”
Like that? If you are sick, stay the fuck home and keep your germs to yourself. This afternoon at 2pm we will welcome Coconut (our new writer). Until then, I am Teddy Jones and this is The Gumption.
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