Protection

As Lil’ Wayne would have you know: “Safe sex is great sex, better wear a Latex, ‘cause you don’t want that late text, that ‘I think I’m late’ text.” If you’re not wearing a Jimmy Hat after that health class slide show, perhaps a short lecture from a guy with a million tattoos whose done every drug on the planet will get you up to speed. Rubbers are a god sent and its time to start treating them that way. Recently some of us here at the Gumption have noticed a disturbing trend among our sub-culture.

Consider the following: You take a fine young lady out on your first true date. You’ve met her at a bar the weekend before, and since then your conversations have gone great. As you get dressed: you grab your keys, your wallet, your phone, and you pop a Coney Island Whitefish in your back pocket. The art opening you attend with her goes swimmingly and you are connecting with your girl on a very high level. While her physicality makes you want her, her passions and ideas have you all rainbows and unicorns. Looks like this is on the fast track to infatuation homes. Some hand holding leads to some kissing, and all of a sudden she grabs your butt and feels the Raincoat in your back pocket. She pulls out the Cock Sock, waves it in your face, and says: “Aren’t you being a little bit presumptuous? I’m not that kind of girl! You think I was just going to sleep with you? This is all about sex to you huh?”

Whether or not you can salvage the night is irrelevant, the damage has been done. It’s this type of irrational behavior that discourages guys from carrying Wetsuits in the first place. Ladies, and I’m going to start talking to you here, please resist the urge to say something stupid like this for your own good. Although you may see it as a question of your worth as a woman, I beg you to consider the following:

 

1.    Packing a Love Glove DOES NOT EQUAL assuming you’re getting lucky. In fact quiet the opposite, that’s why they call it “getting lucky”! Dudes just like to be prepared. Seriously, I know guys who read this blog that carry Johnny Bags as a “confidence booster”. All day everyday they walk around with a Willie Warmer in their pocket just to know that if it does go down, they’re ready for whatever. That’s like walking around with a garlic necklace to ward off vampires; we know its unlikely but its better then being caught unprepared.

2.    Packing a Battle Helmet DOES NOT EQUAL thinking less of you. I don’t want to get you pregnant, isn’t that so degrading? I don’t want to give you that hot new venereal disease that everyone’s got, doesn’t that make you feel dirty? Look there are plenty of guys out there that sleep with a lot of women and plenty of women that do the same with men. Carrying a Sheath isn’t a commentary on where I think your promiscuity rating falls on a scale of 1 to 10, this is just common sense. Stop making everything into a social implication and start implying that safety is important.

3.    Packing a Parisian DOES NOT EQUAL sex is what I’m about. In our example we were at an art show and we were having a shitload of fun! We were connecting on a mental level, and I was even listening to what you had to say. Now all of a sudden you think that because I am carrying an English Riding Coat, all I want to do is bone? False! That’s like saying because I wear shoes all I want to do is walk. It is because we connect that I want to have sex, I do not want to connect to simply have sex. If I was interested in the latter, we’d be at a bar getting wasted.

 

In closing, ladies I love you but you know sometimes you act so silly. You just need some help realizing that men are not as single-mindedly sex oriented as you think. Nothing like a column about Rubber Magic to get my gears grinding again. Until next time, that’s a Wrap! 

Jaws Knows When You’re Awake!

            This is going to be a recurring column, and it is important for you to understand the way Jaws speaks. Click here if you need a quick lesson.

 Jaws:

            This week Santa asked me to take a look at some of your film from over the past year and I have to say I was quiet impressed. Day after day you’ve worked hard to be the best and it shows. If you don’t mind I’d like to compare some film from 2007 to film from 2008.

            In this 2007 clip you are at the mall, in this isolation shot you can clearly see an old lady trip and fall. Her new clothes are everywhere and you’re “me first” scheme does not allow you to help out at the point of attack. Another angle shows you walking out the door with a disgustingly smug look on your face. This is heinous, and your failure to make the simplest of zone reads resulted in you getting another tie for Christmas.

            Fast-forward to 2008, and we are now in a convenience store. A man with a mask is brandishing a firearm at a stunned Asian American cashier. As we freeze the frame, we are able to isolate your 3-technique stance and your 2-gap position between the Devil Dogs and the chewing gum. Most players in your position would panic, but not you, you trust your instincts and read run. The cashier begins to hand the money in the register off to the burglar. You spring out of your stance with the puma like reflexes that made you a first round pick in your annual Thanksgiving football game. As the money reaches the runner so do you, meeting head on at the point of attack. The money and gun flutter to the floor and for the moment everyone is safe. Looks like you’re going to get that XBOX 360 after all!

Publicly Held Private Conversation

            The Publicly Held Private Conversation (PHPC) is an art that few in society have mastered. Often times I find myself subjected to the PHPCs of others and find myself appalled. The cell phone’s ability to connect us has created a wild west of etiquette. What is ok? What is not ok? Where is the boundary? Here are a few simple tips to help you distinguish right from wrong.

 

1.    Never in the Elevator: The elevator is a cramped small space as it is, imagine how much smaller it is when you hear: “Oh my god, this elevator is so small and like dirty, I still have like thirty floors to go, and there’s this guy in here with me. Eh, yeah he’s pretty cute but I wouldn’t do him. Oh my god! I’m menstruating!” Oh my god, fucking stop it!

2.    Nothing bout sex: Two stories both from readers of this blog. The first is set on an airplane, check out this excerpt: “So I banged her and I really like her dude, like like like her dude. I really hope we can still be friends even if she doesn’t like like me back.” First of all get off the fucking phone on a plane. Say what you want about whether or not it interferes with flight instruments, I’m not taking any chances for your ass. Oh and by the way if you’re talking like you starred in “Clueless” chances are she doesn’t “like like you”. In fact, she was probably just wasted enough so that your looks overcame your severe lack of conversational skills.  Our second story comes from the Harlem Line on Metro North: “Baby I can’t wait to fucking feel you inside me, you are fucking huge...” Wow! Too much “fucking” information. Say what you want about the first story, but at least he conveyed the meaning without the details. And hey lady, on the train? Really? At least go into the bathroom where half of Westchester can’t hear you.

3.    No profanity: I have turned this into a game, and I kind of stole the idea from Jimmy Kimmel’s “Unnecessary Censorship”. When you are about to curse, hit one of the keys on your cell phone so it bleeps. For example: “Hey man why don’t you go bleep yourself, you sheep bleeper”. No one around you has any idea what you are talking about, and the person on the other end is cracking up! If you are an artist like myself, you begin realizing that bleeping things that don’t need to be bleeped is even funnier. Consider the following: “Every time I touch my bleep it starts to turn purple.” Fun right? You just made a bruise into a bleep!

4.    Never at a meal: How many girls do you know that occasionally ask you the following: “Am I like not dateable? Am I like not the girlfriend type?” Fast-forward, you’re with them at dinner and they are constantly texting or on the phone. You know why guys don’t like you? Because you won’t hold a conversation with them! You’re more focused on what is happening later than what is happening right now. We all do it, but it’s really bad. We have to start loving and appreciating what’s around us. Guys have a different way of doing this. It seems to be proving some sort of machismo. “Yeah I’m here but I don’t really give a fuck about what’s going on. How cool am I?” So cool you’re not coming next time.

5.    Not loud: Even if you are following all of these rules you could still be a “volume fucker”. This is where I fall short most of the time. I’ll be talking with a friend about plans and all of a sudden people are staring at me. I know that they probably like bars with Guinness on tap, so this is an easy indicator that I am talking way too loud. I usually do something like smile to acknowledge that I am wrong, quiet down for a minute, then go back to talking just the way I was before. My name is Theodore Jones Blitz and I am a “Volume Fucker”.

6.    Be brief: Brevity is so crucial when holding PHPCs. I heard this the other day: “Ok…yeah…yeah…I’ll see you in fifteen minutes, I have such a great story for you, you remember that guy Rick…” Whoa, whoa, whoa! You know there’s a reason you are going to see each other in fifteen minutes, right? ITS TO TALK ABOUT RICK AND HIS BLEEP! Jiminy Crickets, end the conversation already!

 

You like how I turned Rick’s possibly early use of the L-word into a bleep don’t you? Shifting gears, I’m sorry there has not been more written this past week. Butang and I have both been bogged down, this week we will put up plenty of content for those of you stuck in the office. Until then, bleep you very much for hanging with The Gumption Boys.

2008's Fresh Picked Berries

For your reading pleasure, Butang has broken down the 10 Best Albums of 2008

10. Drive By Truckers - Brighter Than Creation's Dark
Nashville, you are gone but not forgotten

9.  Air France - No Way Down
 Sort of like a dream...No...better

8.  Gang Gang Dance - Saint Dymphna
Sounds like African hipsters

7.  Santogold - Santogold
Certainly played out in coffee shops and Bud Light commercials everywhere, but I can't deny the fact that every track on this album is good.  Her live performances are another story...

6.  Kanye West - 808s & Heartbreak
How can you stop somebody that cannot and won't stop?

5.  Foals - Antidotes
If you are into running and English people, you will LOVE this album.  Side note: I'm into neither and still love this album

4.  Lil Wayne - Carter III 
Pre-games everywhere are thankful for this album

3.  Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes 
"It sounds simultaneously now and forty and one hundred years ago."

2.  TV On The Radio - Dear Science  
Shit will melt your face

1.  Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago 

The best winter album I can think of in recent memory, Justin Vernon [Iver] puts out the freshest acoustic folk in quite some time.

A Question of Status

Somewhere between its original stalker friendly version and its newer mother-ship cousin, Facebook went terribly wrong. Is it those stupid apps? No. I’ll sink your battleship any day of the week. Was it the ads for that razor? No…getting warmer. Was it Gundy’s new photo album? Definitely not man! So what is the big deal? Status Messages are single handedly killing Facebook.

            First as I do with all issues, I will break this motherfucker down scientifically. What is a status message? For rappers a status message is a huge blinged out chain and a loud gaudy watch. It says: “I’m a ball till I fuckin’ fall…BITCH!” For yuppies a status message is an IPhone. It says: “My phone has a touch screen therefore I am in touch...BITCH!” The Inuit people have their own status messages. For example: The Beluga penis leather belts they wear show what kind of providers they are. The homie with the biggest endangered species dick around their waist gets all that fresh cool Inuit poon, but I digress. Following this equation, my status message should be: “Theodore Jones is making more money than most of you”. However for some reason it seems as though people have taken a more laxed approach to their Facebook Status. I find the following shit deplorable:

 

·    Sari Schwartz is 17 DAYS!!!! Nice, but um the reader is left to speculate what is occurring in 17 days. Maybe that’s when she is going on vacation, converting to Christianity, or perhaps her boyfriend is getting that vasectomy. Advised replacement: Sari Schwartz is mediocre…at best!

·    Ashley Banks is ummmm really, did that really happen? Knowing what I know about this individual I assume the following went down: A guy led her on, she took the bait, he pumped her and then dumped her. Or it could be from when Obama won the election. Advised replacement: Ashley Banks is good but not great.

·    JD Gross is tired of writing papers Oh boo fucking hoo! I am tired of working for a living, I’d give anything to go back to college bang out a paper, go play some beer pong, smoke some reefer, and listen to some Marley. Tough life man, good thing you’re enjoying the BEST YEARS OF IT! Advised replacement: JD Gross is a whiner, and myopic.

·    Kristin Jevsevar is “its classified. If I told you I’d have to…” You’d have to what? Kiss me? Hug me? See if your Shoalin sword can defeat me? Try and box me out? Pop and lock it? Do the walk of life? Write another stupid end less quote? Advised replacement: Kristin Jevsevar is pretty unoriginal.

·    Matt Hollander can freeze your own farts Points for originality and taking out the “is”, but really dude? Jiminy crickets! I can fold my tounge into a clover looking thing, but I am not broadcasting that to the world. Oh shit wait. Advised replacement: Matt Hollander is a whack job.

·    Matt Witt is ohhh yeahhh CheeEEssSe didn’t we lock you in a dumpster one time?…”I got out” cool man glad ya did Ok wow, I am all for stream of consciousness (See Brenda’s Beastly Breath) but this takes the cake. I assume it’s a movie quote, but I am not sure. At least this kid is enjoying college and smoking plenty of reefer. Advised Replacement: Matt Witt is high as hell man.

 

I guess status messages wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to look at them all the time. For that I blame Facebook and their “news feed”. Is it news if I don’t give a shit about it? Joanna was tagged in an album. I don’t care! Joanna was tagged by my buddy later than night. I care! Start publicizing that Facebook! Well until next time: This Column is complete. 

Memo of the Week

"All - something was left in the men's room that looks like a power tool (don't ask) - if you lost your power tool please let us know."

Take it away Jaws...

I broke down Dan Smith’s latest trip to the grocery store and I liked what I saw. You can see that the aisles are in a dairy, poultry, cereal formation, with one shopper clearly blocking the cereal aisle. Upon noticing that the cereal aisle is blocked Dan is able to adjust to the pre-Corn Pops distraction. Dan turns his cart to the side and performs a maneuver known as the shopping cart boogie. Notice how his shoulders stay parallel to the soda display, a clear indicator that Dan is comfortable improvising. This drives the grocery store employees nuts and they scramble to maintain aisle containment. Dan is able to react to the employees who are only able to contain the cake counter and fish counter, and unfortunately for them it’s already too late. Dan is wrist deep in eggbeaters, and making sure that no one will lay a finger on his Butterfingers. A balanced attack and the ability to make good decisions on the fly is what makes Dan Smith dangerous in the Shopping Cart game.

Sour Puss

I know by now that people walk around all day with their own baggage and emotional issues. I get it, I’m 24 years old and I’ve had more than my fair share of days that suck. In fact, I sincerely believe that you have every right to walk around and be as much of a pissed off malcontent pain in the ass as you want. It’s your life dickhead. However, maybe on a Saturday night when I’m trying to have a little fun you should KEEP IT TO YOUR FUCKING SELF! Allow me to explain:

            Saturday night was my roommate and best friend’s (JPK’s) birthday. After a healthy amount of Saki and Sushi in the east village, we hit a certain bar named for the color of its door. Upon our entrance to said bar one of my boys spots a gang of kids he knows and we begin to mingle. My first clue that this is a bad idea should have been when I met Birthday Boy 2 from their party. What a sad sack of shit.

This mother fucker was balding, his eye bags were the size of rolling luggage, and his “man I stopped trying 6 years ago” fashion statement was enviable. Dude, I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure the Kurt Cobaine look is out. When I am introduced to him, I rub his bald spot for “good luck”. He was none to pleased, but fuck him the only birthday matters is JPKs, and he is cracking up to see me spit shining this guys head.

After my Memphis style greeting (dry rub…bitches), I start checking out the scene. Mission number one on any night is to get JPK laid, but tonight has a little bit more riding on it. Excuse that pun. Unfortunately I have not really been doing a good job lately, and it’s his birthday. I swing around; my eyes meet a 6 with 7 potential. Her sinister sneer says I fucking hate you, but her dress says I came here to party. I listen to the dress. I should have heard her sneer.

“Hey why are you so sour?”

“Fuck you, who the fuck are you?”

Game, set, and match. Well ok whatever honest mistake, obviously she is in no mood to talk. I’ll just go buy Jon a beer and…a very tall African American grabs my shoulder.

“Yo what did you say to my girl?”

“I asked her why she was sour”

“Sour?”

“Yeah and she answered me by saying fuck you, so I just assumed I was right”

“Damn she is sour, she’s crying though”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah maybe you should apologize”

            I walk over to where she is surrounded by two girls and Baldy the Birthday Grunge. He turns as I approach:

            “Dude you should just leave.”

            I should leave? Why the fuck should I leave? I called her out, and you know what douchey pooh? I was fucking right, and not just a little right I was SPOT ON MOTHER FUCKER. To add, who responds fuck you to an introduction? Even if someone walked up to me and said: “Hey fuck you faggot”, I would say something like, “yikes, just don’t call me late for dinner” or not respond at all!

If you are going out on Saturday night and just aren’t feeling it for whatever reason, bars should have a little sulky corner for you. That way everyone else in the bar knows I shouldn’t talk to you, I shouldn’t try to perhaps CHEER YOU UP, or even hook you up with my roommate (WHO HAS A FOOT LONG DICK). I feel bad that one crappy instance wound up spoiling the night, but JPK reassured me that he “wouldn’t have been able to get it up anyway”. Whatever, fuck you sour puss and the bald stallion you rode in on.   

Hurrrrr Currrrr

I am resigned to the fact that there are a few things I will never understand. Most of them, for whatever reason, have to do with women. Very high up on this list is a woman’s fascination with her hair care. I don’t know about you, but this crap confuses the hell out of me and girls are always talking about it. To prove just how mind boggling this shit is, consider the following procedures available at salons in NYC:

 

• Japanese Hair Straightening: Ok easy enough, you want your hair to be uber straight. Japanese people have really fucking effortlessly straight hair. When normal American strength straightening won’t do, this is what you get done. Cool, maybe this stuff isn’t that confusing.
• Relaxer: You work really hard all week, then you go out and party like a rockstar on the weekends. Your hair is there all the time, but your hair doesn’t get to sleep at night. It is constantly growing and splitting its ends! Your hair needs to chill out sometimes girl, you need your hair to get relaxed. 2 for 2.
• Bodywave: No fucking idea. 2 for 3.
• Styling Updo: This is cute! It’s a play on words! Your girlfriend says to you: “Your hair is looking pretty beat, you should get it all styling up dude.” But visa vie a “hairdo”, the sentence becomes: “Sweetie your hair is looking tired you should get it styling updo”. Or if its tired shouldn’t get it relaxed? Shit. 2 for 4.
• Brazilian Hair Straightening: Ok so I know a little bit about what girls call a Brazilian. Except that involves a lack of hair right? So how on earth can you get something that’s not there straightened? This sounds like the emperors new clothes all over again. I am starting to get lost. 2 for 5.
• Highlights: I know what these are, it’s what you watch while you’re getting your hair did on ESPN. My only question is why do you pay so much for it? My barber offers that stuff for free; women will pay for anything huh? 3 for 5.
• Extensions: Extensions are just buying time in the salon because you can’t make a decision. I don’t blame you girl, this shit is confusing. I always see women sitting in that astronaut hat chair getting extensions watching highlights. Again though, why would you pay so much for extensions when you could just decide before you get there? Can you buy a couple that last you all year? I’m heating up! 4 for 7
• Coloring: Ok so I notice when girls change their hair color and that is what this is. Sweet, I am 5 for 8.
• Layering: Like you are layered sweet young lady, so is your hair. Unfortunately sometimes it gets really flat and life less. You need to get that all layered baby, and make it all sexy and full of love again. Layering is like addition by subtraction, they cut your hair and somehow make it look more full. I liken it to pulling the trigger, by subtracting a bunch of booze you can exist more comfortably. 6 for 9.

 

So I will be happy going for 6 for 9 on this most confusing subject. It turns out women’s hair care is not as hard as I thought. I feel confident enough to take on my next topic: Why women think a huge bush is empowering.  

Sexting 101

Is your text message game weak? Judging by the fact that you’re single and not rampantly being pursued by the opposite sex, I’ve surmised you aren’t the Ray Charles of the QWERTY keys. This conversation should look vaguely familiar.

 

12:38 am

Human 1: Hi!

Human 2: yo whats up

Human 1: Wanna hang out…J?

Human 2: Nah I’m cool. I have to get up early and help milk the goats.

While the bullshit excuse is substitutable, the other person’s lack of interest clearly constitutes a problem. Welcome to the fast track from texting to Sexting! Master Sexters will tell you that to be successful you must be creative. Consider the following approach:

 

1:47 am

Human 1: Do you like Shakespeare?

Human 2: No not really

Human 1: Me either, I really liked all the d words he used though

Human 2: D words?

Human 1: For example, doth you fancy to don my ding dong on your doorstep

Human 2: hahahahahahah lol

Human 1: I ask you to not dither while you defrock my dipper

Human 2: lol

Human 1: Is my mastery of English literature turning you on?

 

Cut, freeze frame, and notice two things. First notice the absence of a traditional “hey” or “hi” greeting. A tepid texting salutation says: “Oh! Oh! Oh! Look how fucking mediocre I am! ” Sexting salutations are questions or humor, basically something to get a conversation started. Secondly check out the fact that sexual tension is maintained in each text. It’s not so blatant as to say “yo baby let’s bone”, but there is a veiled reference to it in every message. They call it Sexting for a reason friend.

“Wait a minute ZB! I can’t think on my feet like that. I don’t know 17^th century English words, and I always sucked at alliteration” Pish-posh, mish-mosh, flaming filthy rubbish, frankly I just don’t believe you, you self-defeating swizzle stick.

Being creative is easy, just consider the world around you. Chances are everyday you go to work in an office. The office is just about the best place in the world to find pick up lines and conversation starters. You know all that corporate jargon? ITS FUCKING LOADED WITH SEXUAL CONOTATIONS!

 

2:03 am

 

Human 1: I had so much fun at work today!

Human 2: WTF?

Human 1: I gave my boss these two really plump and tender deliverables

Human 2: hahahhah, that’s good. Did your boss appreciate them?

Human 1: Not really, I was kind of pissed L

Human 2: Well if you want to come over here and take advantage of some of my operating leverage, I’d love to balance your budget.

 

            Not buying it? Think your target is too stupid to pick up on the reference? Maybe you’re a little too drunk to be clever. That’s fine just remember this:

 

3:07   

Human 1: I am sitting here playing with my low hanging fruit.

 

            Awwwww yyyyyeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh! That’s the shit, you’re going to be Sexting in no time. To be continued…

Welcome

Well, if you are reading this it means that you are in. Welcome! What the fuck took you so long? On this the fourth day of December, the year of our lord two thousand and eight, we are here to serve a few purposes. 

1. To find humor in every day
2. To share our mutual observations
3. To lend our expertise
4. To have some fun

With that said, we are going to have two rules round here. 

1. Respect anyone who writes anything (post, comment, etc.). No personal attacks or anything ridiculous.
2. You can quote any movie, song, or pop culture bullshit you'd like, however it must clearly pertain to the posting or comment.

To conclude, I will begin publishing material ASAP. If as the blog gets rolling there is a topic or post you would like to make shoot me an email (zach.blitz@yahoo.com). We will always publish a well written piece, and certainly a hilarious poorly written one.

So glad you could join, its a pleasure and an honor to have you along for this ride. Should be pretty fucking interesting man....pretty fucking interesting....see what I did there?

Brenda's Beastly Breath

It is easy for one to criticize another’s flaws and bad habits. Walking between 50^th and 51^st on 7^th avenue today I heard the following two gripes.

“…Dude picks his nose all the fucking time and his hair gel looks like turkey jizz…” I am embellishing the jizz part, but he definitely said turkey followed by some sort of traditional excrement. Jizz, spittle, snot, gobbler nog, those birds are consistently secreting some fowl shit. 

“Oh my god you guys! Brenda’s breath smells like a three day old condom!” This one I am definitely not embellishing. Seriously she said it, and I immediately tried to get an ID on the perp. I needed to know what a three-day-old condom sniffer looks like. I assumed she would look like a cross between a leper and a lemur, but the truth was more like Tara Reid’s ugly fraternal twin with fake red hair that DEFINITELY didn’t match the carpet.

I know what you’re thinking: “Why should I give a fuck about poultry piss and mismatched drapes?” Quite simply because someone has absolutely said something like that about you. Even more troubling is that someone else’s opinion was affected by what was said. Bad news I know, but I think I have a solution. It is time to start telling people what you really think about them and I have some good reasons why you should.

 

1. Changing their behavior can better your life.

 

Ok sure Brenda’s breath stinks, but since her friend doesn’t have the ovaries to say anything about it, the stank ass nature of her breath will certainly continue. You know that guy who chews too loud in the cubicle next to yours? Your friend who rips hellatious ass in public? The girl whose tampons have trouble finding the receptacle? Yeah, all of that stuff can be avoided with a simple conversation. “Hey Jose, you know why we never get any pussy? Because you have no fucking sphincter control dude!”

 

2. The offenders will help you out with some of your bad habits!

 

“Dude you think I’m bad? Your girlfriend told me you got a smelly dick!” Wouldn’t you kill to get info like that? I’d be washing my talliwhacker 3 times a day, and spraying it with cologne. “I guess sometimes I miss the trash with my tampons, I’m sorry. Honestly though you should get that cold sore checked out it looks a lot like herpes.” Alllllllll rrrrrrrrrrright! Now you know to finally go get tested and get some abbreva stat. You gotta love reactionaries!

 

3. It feels good to get something off your chest

 

      Ever have days where it feels like something is weighing you down? Then you are painfully honest with someone for the first time in a while and you feel better? Usually it happens rarely because humans tend to avoid conflict. Think back to your current situation. That tub of lard across from you is slowly grinding his raisin bran flakes between his molars and your last nerve. Everyday you sit and listen to him slurp and crunch his cereal, and it slowly drives you insane. I think you would feel a lot better if you told him exactly how many grams of fiber you have listened to him consume.

So do yourself a favor. Today tell someone something that they don’t want to hear, tell them something they need to hear. It will help them, it will help you, and it will help millions of people you don’t even know. Have a great day, and fuck you for being a procrastinator.