Somewhere between its original stalker friendly version and its newer mother-ship cousin, Facebook went terribly wrong. Is it those stupid apps? No. I’ll sink your battleship any day of the week. Was it the ads for that razor? No…getting warmer. Was it Gundy’s new photo album? Definitely not man! So what is the big deal? Status Messages are single handedly killing Facebook.
First as I do with all issues, I will break this motherfucker down scientifically. What is a status message? For rappers a status message is a huge blinged out chain and a loud gaudy watch. It says: “I’m a ball till I fuckin’ fall…BITCH!” For yuppies a status message is an IPhone. It says: “My phone has a touch screen therefore I am in touch...BITCH!” The Inuit people have their own status messages. For example: The Beluga penis leather belts they wear show what kind of providers they are. The homie with the biggest endangered species dick around their waist gets all that fresh cool Inuit poon, but I digress. Following this equation, my status message should be: “Theodore Jones is making more money than most of you”. However for some reason it seems as though people have taken a more laxed approach to their Facebook Status. I find the following shit deplorable:
· Sari Schwartz is 17 DAYS!!!! Nice, but um the reader is left to speculate what is occurring in 17 days. Maybe that’s when she is going on vacation, converting to Christianity, or perhaps her boyfriend is getting that vasectomy. Advised replacement: Sari Schwartz is mediocre…at best!
· Ashley Banks is ummmm really, did that really happen? Knowing what I know about this individual I assume the following went down: A guy led her on, she took the bait, he pumped her and then dumped her. Or it could be from when Obama won the election. Advised replacement: Ashley Banks is good but not great.
· JD Gross is tired of writing papers Oh boo fucking hoo! I am tired of working for a living, I’d give anything to go back to college bang out a paper, go play some beer pong, smoke some reefer, and listen to some Marley. Tough life man, good thing you’re enjoying the BEST YEARS OF IT! Advised replacement: JD Gross is a whiner, and myopic.
· Kristin Jevsevar is “its classified. If I told you I’d have to…” You’d have to what? Kiss me? Hug me? See if your Shoalin sword can defeat me? Try and box me out? Pop and lock it? Do the walk of life? Write another stupid end less quote? Advised replacement: Kristin Jevsevar is pretty unoriginal.
· Matt Hollander can freeze your own farts Points for originality and taking out the “is”, but really dude? Jiminy crickets! I can fold my tounge into a clover looking thing, but I am not broadcasting that to the world. Oh shit wait. Advised replacement: Matt Hollander is a whack job.
· Matt Witt is ohhh yeahhh CheeEEssSe didn’t we lock you in a dumpster one time?…”I got out” cool man glad ya did Ok wow, I am all for stream of consciousness (See Brenda’s Beastly Breath) but this takes the cake. I assume it’s a movie quote, but I am not sure. At least this kid is enjoying college and smoking plenty of reefer. Advised Replacement: Matt Witt is high as hell man.
I guess status messages wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to look at them all the time. For that I blame Facebook and their “news feed”. Is it news if I don’t give a shit about it? Joanna was tagged in an album. I don’t care! Joanna was tagged by my buddy later than night. I care! Start publicizing that Facebook! Well until next time: This Column is complete.
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