Sexting 101

Is your text message game weak? Judging by the fact that you’re single and not rampantly being pursued by the opposite sex, I’ve surmised you aren’t the Ray Charles of the QWERTY keys. This conversation should look vaguely familiar.

 

12:38 am

Human 1: Hi!

Human 2: yo whats up

Human 1: Wanna hang out…J?

Human 2: Nah I’m cool. I have to get up early and help milk the goats.

While the bullshit excuse is substitutable, the other person’s lack of interest clearly constitutes a problem. Welcome to the fast track from texting to Sexting! Master Sexters will tell you that to be successful you must be creative. Consider the following approach:

 

1:47 am

Human 1: Do you like Shakespeare?

Human 2: No not really

Human 1: Me either, I really liked all the d words he used though

Human 2: D words?

Human 1: For example, doth you fancy to don my ding dong on your doorstep

Human 2: hahahahahahah lol

Human 1: I ask you to not dither while you defrock my dipper

Human 2: lol

Human 1: Is my mastery of English literature turning you on?

 

Cut, freeze frame, and notice two things. First notice the absence of a traditional “hey” or “hi” greeting. A tepid texting salutation says: “Oh! Oh! Oh! Look how fucking mediocre I am! ” Sexting salutations are questions or humor, basically something to get a conversation started. Secondly check out the fact that sexual tension is maintained in each text. It’s not so blatant as to say “yo baby let’s bone”, but there is a veiled reference to it in every message. They call it Sexting for a reason friend.

“Wait a minute ZB! I can’t think on my feet like that. I don’t know 17^th century English words, and I always sucked at alliteration” Pish-posh, mish-mosh, flaming filthy rubbish, frankly I just don’t believe you, you self-defeating swizzle stick.

Being creative is easy, just consider the world around you. Chances are everyday you go to work in an office. The office is just about the best place in the world to find pick up lines and conversation starters. You know all that corporate jargon? ITS FUCKING LOADED WITH SEXUAL CONOTATIONS!

 

2:03 am

 

Human 1: I had so much fun at work today!

Human 2: WTF?

Human 1: I gave my boss these two really plump and tender deliverables

Human 2: hahahhah, that’s good. Did your boss appreciate them?

Human 1: Not really, I was kind of pissed L

Human 2: Well if you want to come over here and take advantage of some of my operating leverage, I’d love to balance your budget.

 

            Not buying it? Think your target is too stupid to pick up on the reference? Maybe you’re a little too drunk to be clever. That’s fine just remember this:

 

3:07   

Human 1: I am sitting here playing with my low hanging fruit.

 

            Awwwww yyyyyeeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh! That’s the shit, you’re going to be Sexting in no time. To be continued…