Publicly Held Private Conversation

            The Publicly Held Private Conversation (PHPC) is an art that few in society have mastered. Often times I find myself subjected to the PHPCs of others and find myself appalled. The cell phone’s ability to connect us has created a wild west of etiquette. What is ok? What is not ok? Where is the boundary? Here are a few simple tips to help you distinguish right from wrong.

 

1.    Never in the Elevator: The elevator is a cramped small space as it is, imagine how much smaller it is when you hear: “Oh my god, this elevator is so small and like dirty, I still have like thirty floors to go, and there’s this guy in here with me. Eh, yeah he’s pretty cute but I wouldn’t do him. Oh my god! I’m menstruating!” Oh my god, fucking stop it!

2.    Nothing bout sex: Two stories both from readers of this blog. The first is set on an airplane, check out this excerpt: “So I banged her and I really like her dude, like like like her dude. I really hope we can still be friends even if she doesn’t like like me back.” First of all get off the fucking phone on a plane. Say what you want about whether or not it interferes with flight instruments, I’m not taking any chances for your ass. Oh and by the way if you’re talking like you starred in “Clueless” chances are she doesn’t “like like you”. In fact, she was probably just wasted enough so that your looks overcame your severe lack of conversational skills.  Our second story comes from the Harlem Line on Metro North: “Baby I can’t wait to fucking feel you inside me, you are fucking huge...” Wow! Too much “fucking” information. Say what you want about the first story, but at least he conveyed the meaning without the details. And hey lady, on the train? Really? At least go into the bathroom where half of Westchester can’t hear you.

3.    No profanity: I have turned this into a game, and I kind of stole the idea from Jimmy Kimmel’s “Unnecessary Censorship”. When you are about to curse, hit one of the keys on your cell phone so it bleeps. For example: “Hey man why don’t you go bleep yourself, you sheep bleeper”. No one around you has any idea what you are talking about, and the person on the other end is cracking up! If you are an artist like myself, you begin realizing that bleeping things that don’t need to be bleeped is even funnier. Consider the following: “Every time I touch my bleep it starts to turn purple.” Fun right? You just made a bruise into a bleep!

4.    Never at a meal: How many girls do you know that occasionally ask you the following: “Am I like not dateable? Am I like not the girlfriend type?” Fast-forward, you’re with them at dinner and they are constantly texting or on the phone. You know why guys don’t like you? Because you won’t hold a conversation with them! You’re more focused on what is happening later than what is happening right now. We all do it, but it’s really bad. We have to start loving and appreciating what’s around us. Guys have a different way of doing this. It seems to be proving some sort of machismo. “Yeah I’m here but I don’t really give a fuck about what’s going on. How cool am I?” So cool you’re not coming next time.

5.    Not loud: Even if you are following all of these rules you could still be a “volume fucker”. This is where I fall short most of the time. I’ll be talking with a friend about plans and all of a sudden people are staring at me. I know that they probably like bars with Guinness on tap, so this is an easy indicator that I am talking way too loud. I usually do something like smile to acknowledge that I am wrong, quiet down for a minute, then go back to talking just the way I was before. My name is Theodore Jones Blitz and I am a “Volume Fucker”.

6.    Be brief: Brevity is so crucial when holding PHPCs. I heard this the other day: “Ok…yeah…yeah…I’ll see you in fifteen minutes, I have such a great story for you, you remember that guy Rick…” Whoa, whoa, whoa! You know there’s a reason you are going to see each other in fifteen minutes, right? ITS TO TALK ABOUT RICK AND HIS BLEEP! Jiminy Crickets, end the conversation already!

 

You like how I turned Rick’s possibly early use of the L-word into a bleep don’t you? Shifting gears, I’m sorry there has not been more written this past week. Butang and I have both been bogged down, this week we will put up plenty of content for those of you stuck in the office. Until then, bleep you very much for hanging with The Gumption Boys.