Hurrrrr Currrrr

I am resigned to the fact that there are a few things I will never understand. Most of them, for whatever reason, have to do with women. Very high up on this list is a woman’s fascination with her hair care. I don’t know about you, but this crap confuses the hell out of me and girls are always talking about it. To prove just how mind boggling this shit is, consider the following procedures available at salons in NYC:

 

• Japanese Hair Straightening: Ok easy enough, you want your hair to be uber straight. Japanese people have really fucking effortlessly straight hair. When normal American strength straightening won’t do, this is what you get done. Cool, maybe this stuff isn’t that confusing.
• Relaxer: You work really hard all week, then you go out and party like a rockstar on the weekends. Your hair is there all the time, but your hair doesn’t get to sleep at night. It is constantly growing and splitting its ends! Your hair needs to chill out sometimes girl, you need your hair to get relaxed. 2 for 2.
• Bodywave: No fucking idea. 2 for 3.
• Styling Updo: This is cute! It’s a play on words! Your girlfriend says to you: “Your hair is looking pretty beat, you should get it all styling up dude.” But visa vie a “hairdo”, the sentence becomes: “Sweetie your hair is looking tired you should get it styling updo”. Or if its tired shouldn’t get it relaxed? Shit. 2 for 4.
• Brazilian Hair Straightening: Ok so I know a little bit about what girls call a Brazilian. Except that involves a lack of hair right? So how on earth can you get something that’s not there straightened? This sounds like the emperors new clothes all over again. I am starting to get lost. 2 for 5.
• Highlights: I know what these are, it’s what you watch while you’re getting your hair did on ESPN. My only question is why do you pay so much for it? My barber offers that stuff for free; women will pay for anything huh? 3 for 5.
• Extensions: Extensions are just buying time in the salon because you can’t make a decision. I don’t blame you girl, this shit is confusing. I always see women sitting in that astronaut hat chair getting extensions watching highlights. Again though, why would you pay so much for extensions when you could just decide before you get there? Can you buy a couple that last you all year? I’m heating up! 4 for 7
• Coloring: Ok so I notice when girls change their hair color and that is what this is. Sweet, I am 5 for 8.
• Layering: Like you are layered sweet young lady, so is your hair. Unfortunately sometimes it gets really flat and life less. You need to get that all layered baby, and make it all sexy and full of love again. Layering is like addition by subtraction, they cut your hair and somehow make it look more full. I liken it to pulling the trigger, by subtracting a bunch of booze you can exist more comfortably. 6 for 9.

 

So I will be happy going for 6 for 9 on this most confusing subject. It turns out women’s hair care is not as hard as I thought. I feel confident enough to take on my next topic: Why women think a huge bush is empowering.