Brenda's Beastly Breath

It is easy for one to criticize another’s flaws and bad habits. Walking between 50^th and 51^st on 7^th avenue today I heard the following two gripes.

“…Dude picks his nose all the fucking time and his hair gel looks like turkey jizz…” I am embellishing the jizz part, but he definitely said turkey followed by some sort of traditional excrement. Jizz, spittle, snot, gobbler nog, those birds are consistently secreting some fowl shit. 

“Oh my god you guys! Brenda’s breath smells like a three day old condom!” This one I am definitely not embellishing. Seriously she said it, and I immediately tried to get an ID on the perp. I needed to know what a three-day-old condom sniffer looks like. I assumed she would look like a cross between a leper and a lemur, but the truth was more like Tara Reid’s ugly fraternal twin with fake red hair that DEFINITELY didn’t match the carpet.

I know what you’re thinking: “Why should I give a fuck about poultry piss and mismatched drapes?” Quite simply because someone has absolutely said something like that about you. Even more troubling is that someone else’s opinion was affected by what was said. Bad news I know, but I think I have a solution. It is time to start telling people what you really think about them and I have some good reasons why you should.

 

1. Changing their behavior can better your life.

 

Ok sure Brenda’s breath stinks, but since her friend doesn’t have the ovaries to say anything about it, the stank ass nature of her breath will certainly continue. You know that guy who chews too loud in the cubicle next to yours? Your friend who rips hellatious ass in public? The girl whose tampons have trouble finding the receptacle? Yeah, all of that stuff can be avoided with a simple conversation. “Hey Jose, you know why we never get any pussy? Because you have no fucking sphincter control dude!”

 

2. The offenders will help you out with some of your bad habits!

 

“Dude you think I’m bad? Your girlfriend told me you got a smelly dick!” Wouldn’t you kill to get info like that? I’d be washing my talliwhacker 3 times a day, and spraying it with cologne. “I guess sometimes I miss the trash with my tampons, I’m sorry. Honestly though you should get that cold sore checked out it looks a lot like herpes.” Alllllllll rrrrrrrrrrright! Now you know to finally go get tested and get some abbreva stat. You gotta love reactionaries!

 

3. It feels good to get something off your chest

 

      Ever have days where it feels like something is weighing you down? Then you are painfully honest with someone for the first time in a while and you feel better? Usually it happens rarely because humans tend to avoid conflict. Think back to your current situation. That tub of lard across from you is slowly grinding his raisin bran flakes between his molars and your last nerve. Everyday you sit and listen to him slurp and crunch his cereal, and it slowly drives you insane. I think you would feel a lot better if you told him exactly how many grams of fiber you have listened to him consume.

So do yourself a favor. Today tell someone something that they don’t want to hear, tell them something they need to hear. It will help them, it will help you, and it will help millions of people you don’t even know. Have a great day, and fuck you for being a procrastinator.