Protection

As Lil’ Wayne would have you know: “Safe sex is great sex, better wear a Latex, ‘cause you don’t want that late text, that ‘I think I’m late’ text.” If you’re not wearing a Jimmy Hat after that health class slide show, perhaps a short lecture from a guy with a million tattoos whose done every drug on the planet will get you up to speed. Rubbers are a god sent and its time to start treating them that way. Recently some of us here at the Gumption have noticed a disturbing trend among our sub-culture.

Consider the following: You take a fine young lady out on your first true date. You’ve met her at a bar the weekend before, and since then your conversations have gone great. As you get dressed: you grab your keys, your wallet, your phone, and you pop a Coney Island Whitefish in your back pocket. The art opening you attend with her goes swimmingly and you are connecting with your girl on a very high level. While her physicality makes you want her, her passions and ideas have you all rainbows and unicorns. Looks like this is on the fast track to infatuation homes. Some hand holding leads to some kissing, and all of a sudden she grabs your butt and feels the Raincoat in your back pocket. She pulls out the Cock Sock, waves it in your face, and says: “Aren’t you being a little bit presumptuous? I’m not that kind of girl! You think I was just going to sleep with you? This is all about sex to you huh?”

Whether or not you can salvage the night is irrelevant, the damage has been done. It’s this type of irrational behavior that discourages guys from carrying Wetsuits in the first place. Ladies, and I’m going to start talking to you here, please resist the urge to say something stupid like this for your own good. Although you may see it as a question of your worth as a woman, I beg you to consider the following:

 

1.    Packing a Love Glove DOES NOT EQUAL assuming you’re getting lucky. In fact quiet the opposite, that’s why they call it “getting lucky”! Dudes just like to be prepared. Seriously, I know guys who read this blog that carry Johnny Bags as a “confidence booster”. All day everyday they walk around with a Willie Warmer in their pocket just to know that if it does go down, they’re ready for whatever. That’s like walking around with a garlic necklace to ward off vampires; we know its unlikely but its better then being caught unprepared.

2.    Packing a Battle Helmet DOES NOT EQUAL thinking less of you. I don’t want to get you pregnant, isn’t that so degrading? I don’t want to give you that hot new venereal disease that everyone’s got, doesn’t that make you feel dirty? Look there are plenty of guys out there that sleep with a lot of women and plenty of women that do the same with men. Carrying a Sheath isn’t a commentary on where I think your promiscuity rating falls on a scale of 1 to 10, this is just common sense. Stop making everything into a social implication and start implying that safety is important.

3.    Packing a Parisian DOES NOT EQUAL sex is what I’m about. In our example we were at an art show and we were having a shitload of fun! We were connecting on a mental level, and I was even listening to what you had to say. Now all of a sudden you think that because I am carrying an English Riding Coat, all I want to do is bone? False! That’s like saying because I wear shoes all I want to do is walk. It is because we connect that I want to have sex, I do not want to connect to simply have sex. If I was interested in the latter, we’d be at a bar getting wasted.

 

In closing, ladies I love you but you know sometimes you act so silly. You just need some help realizing that men are not as single-mindedly sex oriented as you think. Nothing like a column about Rubber Magic to get my gears grinding again. Until next time, that’s a Wrap!