The 6

            You remember that old line about New York? A city so nice they named it twice? Well the 6 is so nice, Jennifer Lopez wrote an album about it. Maybe that explains why it always smells like hair spray. I often find myself riding the “Yuppy Express” as part of my YoBro! existence. While many might contend that the 1 is the lifeline of the City that Never Sleeps, anyone with half a brain in their bucket knows that the 6 is where to get your fix.

            Rush hour crowds, baby carriages, homeless people with no legs (Have you seen that guy???), random mariachi bands, acapella groups, hot women, perverse men, and millions of normal people make this one of the best people watching venues in the city. Problem is while you’re sandwiched between the Seeing Eye dog and the chick that looks like a destitute man’s Cate Blanchett, you are not taking in all the guilty pleasures that the 6 has to offer. Let old TJB help you enjoy your next 6 ride with “a couple of suggestions of how you could finesse it”.

 

• The Homeless Dude Slow Clap: This is one of the funniest things you can do with 3 or more people in New York City. You’ve settled into a good spot and all of a sudden you hear a loud voice. Your heart sinks as you hear something along the following lines: “Ladies and Gentlemen, god bless you! I would not be doing this if I didn’t have to…” This is followed by a gut-wrenching story that makes you feel like shit. What a fucking downer man! While other people are fumbling around for change, I challenge you and your posse to give this man change he can really use, an attitude adjustment! In the waning moments of the speech, start a slow clap that gets faster building towards ultimate completion. When your clap has reached his zenith shout out a number of “woo hoos” or “great fucking speech man!” or “this guys gonna make it, I know he is!” or “you don’t need a heart transplant you look healthy as an ox”. Everyone in the car will be smiling in no time, and you will have turned an awkwardly sad moment into an awkwardly happy one.
• The Kelly Slater: For those of you dudes not used to hanging ten, Kelly Slater is a surfer. There are two times I use this move, one is for practice and one is for dead serious. I practice when the subway is nearly empty. I plant my feet, bend my knees, and pretend the subway car floor is my surfboard between stops. Radical right? It’s harder to stay up than you think, and it’s actually a decent amount of thigh work. Of course this is all practice for the big event when a subway car is packed and there are no handholds. While others panic, you plant your paws, bend your knees, and ride the big one all the way up to 72^nd street. You big kahuna you!
• The Clean Sanchez: This move is used for speaking about someone on the subway while they are right in front of you. I put my hand flatly over where my mustache would be and slightly tilt it down over my mouth. I talk normal volume to my buddy sitting next to me and say whatever I want about the person across from me. For example: “Damn dude, that girl’s hair coloring makes her look like a raccoon” or “Nice fucking beard!” or  “Is that a toupee or is he just happy to see me” or “Shave your legs” or “Damn if those sagged anymore they might hit the floor”. You get the idea; you can basically say whatever you want as long as you’ve got your Clean Sanchez on. The hum of the subway will drown out what you are saying, the key is making it so your body language isn’t screaming: “there is no way I am not talking about you right now”.
• Jack the Ripper: Speaking of noxious fumes, I tend to get gassy at inopportune times. I sometimes get the urge to hold it in, but then I think “why am I ruining my sphincter so Pablo can ride the 6 in peace?” I created Jack the Ripper because the truth is while I might not give a shit, I’ll certainly give everyone a sample of the smell. The Ripper is farting, in a loud manner, in a crowded subway car. The key to this maneuver is not getting caught. As soon as you let it fly, without cracking up too bad, you need to start looking around with one of two expressions on your face: 1. “Damn what kind of animal would do something like that?” or 2. “My nostrils are stinging from that vile stench.” Making eye contact with others only enhances the pleasure. Oh and as the move’s title would suggest this is meant to be a serial occurrence. *Bill Chen says: “If I can’t hear it it didn’t happen! That’s why I am always listening to my Ipod on the subway.”

   

If you have a borderline inappropriate move you are into, feel free to send it in! I am always open to anything that will make my commute more enjoyable. The Gumption is full of bravado when it comes to these sorts of exercises. So until next time, work on rocking The Kelly Slater while you Jack the Ripper, its guaranteed to make you smile!