2 Minutes for Holding

The music crescendos, your heart races, your palms sweat, your patience wanes, and you begin to feel a nervous twitch. Think I’m talking about a night at the opera? Think again, I refer to the range of sights, sounds, and emotions you experience while on hold.

            When you think about it, being on hold is the same thing as waiting on any line. However, the blind nature of the wait makes it uncommonly vile. There is no “light at the end of the tunnel”, there is no interesting person to make fun of, and there is most certainly no candy or other useless products to sample. Rarely do I pick on someone or something without suggesting possible solutions, this is no different. I present to you, with special thanks to Swanky Persia, a list of suggestions to make holding a little less unpleasant.

 

·       Hold Music Selection: Why is hold music either Bach’s worst symphony played by the Red Neck Philharmonic or something straight out of an 80’s porn? Is there no happy medium? I notice too that there is never anyone singing while I am on hold. Is there some unwritten rule that words may not grace my ears while I am on hold?

·       Suggestion: Allow the listener their choice of music. Even if there can be no words, at least allow me Bluegrass over Flock of Seagulls instrumentals covered by Sucky Saxophonist and his jazz Octet.

 

·       Hold Music Volume: EVERYTIME I FIRST HEAR HOLD MUSIC IT IS ALWAYS WAY TOO LOUD! IT ALWAYS TAKES ME A SECOND TO FIND THE VOLUME BUTTON, before I can turn it down. Damn that’s better, sorry.

·       Suggestion: Could you turn it down please?

 

·       Voiceovers: Yeah the first time I hear: “We appreciate your business, your call is important to us,” I usually buy it. However, by the 8^th time, I’m not exactly feeling like your most valued customer. Another annoying aspect of the voiceover is when I leave my cell on speaker. The instant the music breaks for the voice, it sounds like someone is answering my call. I rush to the phone, but alas it is you “appreciating” me again. This false hope makes me even more anxious and rabid by the time I get to your representative.

·       Suggestion: Help all of us out and end the voiceover movement. I know you don’t appreciate me, that’s why I’m on hold in the first place. Your product either sucks or your service has failed. Oh and whatever research you have that says voiceovers sooth or placate me, throw it out because its bologna. PHONEY BOLOGNA!

 

·       Customer Service Reps: The most annoying part about being on hold sometimes comes after you are finished. How often do you get to the customer service rep and they produce one of the following: “Yeah you’re going to have to come into the store,” or “I can’t do that for you let me transfer to someone who can”. Why did you put me on hold just to send me to a store or put me on hold again? AHHH! The worst part is that you have to explain the problem to another person. After a while, it’s starts to get a bit exasperating.

·       Suggestion: Make it so the person I call can help me. A profound idea if I do say so myself. In cases where that is absolutely not possible, record my problem and play it for the next service rep that deals with me. This way I do not have to repeat myself until….I turn into….Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

 

I hope you enjoyed reader appreciation Thursday! Friday will be cloudy with a 90% chance of DINGLEBERRIES!!!!!!!! Who’s got your back? I’ll tell you who, Teddy Jones and he’s at The Gumption.