Ok the last thing I want to be is redundant, but I am on to something. Before I wrote the post on mass texting I was discussing its abuses with Iron Man and Marathon Man. The two of them are great to bounce ideas off of. When I brought up mass texting, I got a luke warm response. Clearly I ignored their reactions and wrote the post anyway. The interesting part of the conversation was Iron Man’s gut reaction to my premise.
“You mean when a girl texts ten guys ‘Hi’ and whoever responds is getting lucky.” I laughed at the suggestion, “girls don’t do that that’s absurd.” That night I got a ‘hi’ from a certain someone. I did not respond, but my curiosity was certainly peaked. Was I one of many or was this solely meant for me? There is no way I could tell so I gave up quickly. That was until the next Monday at work.
By Any Queens Necessary works at my company and calls me occasionally when she is bored (or thinks she is about to get fired). She had read the post earlier in the morning, and after having expounded on her hatred towards the mass text she added the following: “The other night I got a text from a guy that said ‘Hey want to stay in and watch a movie’, I have a boyfriend and he knew that, which is why I thought it was weird. I called him and he was like ‘Yeah I sent that to like twelve girls, sorry didn’t mean to include you.” She was clearly still pissed, but we laughed in a scared for society sort of way. She termed it “booty grazing” and I thought that was a robust moniker.
Rushing through my head were ways to curb this pandemic. Most of them were wishful thinking and it started to wear on me. To my dismay I started to realize that this is going to go on as long as mass texting is an option. Then last night an old story recurred in my thinking.
There is a boy walking down a beach in the early evening. The tide has begun to go out and there are hundreds of thousands of clams left on the seashore. The boy realizes the clams will surely die if left out of the water for much longer. He starts tossing clam after clam back into the sea. An old man happens upon him and asks: “Boy what are you doing? What is the point? There are so many clams you can not possibly save them all!” The boy smiles at the old man, tosses a clam back in, and replies: “I just saved that one didn’t I?”
While I may not be able to save the world from this blight, I will do my best to save a few. From now on if you are ever booty grazed and want to get back, leave the male or females name, text sent, and cell phone number in the comments section of this post. Something to the affect of: “Martin 973-555-6667 ‘Wanna come over?’” Butang and I will work with you to determine an appropriate punishment. That can range from an obscene text message from one of us or repeat calls from a blocked number at 3am. If you, our readers, are grazed, you can be certain we will work with you to determine satisfying retribution. We will also publicly admonish that person in a fashion such as: “The Martin – Texting six girls at 2:15 am and winding up eating a burrito and masturbating.” I just saved that one didn’t I?
Good looks by the Iron Man and By Any Queens Necessary on this one. I guess as long as we’re putting you up on the shady shit going down we’ve done our job. Speaking of shady shit, we will be back at 1pm with an open letter to a high profile CEO. I’m Teddy Jones and I will continue working hard for you at The Gumption.
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