Moving Up In The World Like....

Here’s a true story you are sure to appreciate. My boss’s boss is a short little weasel of a man. He stands about 5’4” and has the temper of an elephant during mating season. He is the most socially awkward person I have ever met; I cannot find anyone at work that truly likes him. EXCEPT MY BOSS WHO LOVES HIM. Ugh, brutal. The rumors that my boss and her boss have slept together run rampant around the floor. What me worry? It’s not like my bonus is affected or anything. While I wish I could expound on how angry this makes me, I will save it for another post. Instead for all intents and purposes lets call him 1^st class dick head. The following story about him is 100% true and has not been embellished one iota.

            It’s about 8:30 am and I am arriving to work for the day. I come across him in our elevator bank; he has recently retrieved his morning coffee. As is typical he doesn’t smile or even waive hello, no acknowledgement he knows me whatsoever. “That’s cool act like I don’t exist, if I saw you outside of work I’d pay you about as much attention as a girl with a button that read ‘Hey! I have genital herpes!’” While I am cursing myself for working for such a god-forsaken human being, the elevator dings and we both get in. He still doesn’t acknowledge me.

As the doors are about to close, I see Guy 1 racing towards the elevator. Guy 1 proceeds to stick his arm out just in time, trigger the doors open, and Guy 1 steps inside. I hear 1^st class dick head “hmph” in barely audible disgust, but pay no attention. The doors begin to close a second time, but Guy 1 sees a friend. He sticks his arm out and the doors open after almost closing a second time. As the second random dude jumps in and says “Thank You”, I look over at 1^st class dickhead anticipating some sort of reaction. He throws his hands up over his head, high enough to make his shirt un-tuck a little bit, and let’s out a most frightening sound. It was a mix between utter exasperation, mild anger, a Beagle farting, and the hocking of the biggest loogie of all time.

The elevator door closes and I am one of four men in a now incredibly awkward elevator. I turn away from the 1^st class dickhead and look towards Guy 1. “What the fuck was that?” the second dude asks the dickhead, but all the dickhead can do is cower and look at me as if I’m supposed to step in. Sure acknowledge me now you twerp, I smile at Guy 1 and enjoy the rest of the silent ride. They get out three floors below us, silence. The elevator hits our floor, silence. Then just as I am about to sit down at my desk the dickhead goes “What a bunch of dicks huh? Why didn’t you help me out?” My skin crawls and I do not respond.

            I hate it because I agree with 1^st class dickhead on the premise, just clearly not on the execution. Elevators are an area with very grey etiquette lines, and for posterity’s sake I will try to clear them up.

 

• Let People Out Before You Get In: What the fuck happened? I thought this was one of the most obvious rules there is. Ever try getting into an elevator before someone has gotten out of it? It doesn’t work, and you know it doesn’t work. So why then, prey tell, are you waiting in the middle of the doors in the lobby? Do you think nobody is going to get out or are you eager to piss off twelve people hungry for lunch? Wait slightly off to the side please, its just common courtesy.
• Walk It Out: If you’re on the 2^nd or 3^rd floor in a 20-floor elevator bank, you might consider walking. I know that sounds crazy, technology has afforded us some terrific luxuries and you want to take full advantage. Fair enough, but that gut hanging over your belt isn’t going to disappear by itself, and neither is your third chin. You might also want to consider someone besides yourself. You know that gal on the 18^th floor that already has to wait for everyone on floors 4 through 17. It might be hard for you to understand but every time the elevator stops on the 2^nd floor and your lardy butt gets in, she edges a bit closer to homicide.
  
• Get Off Of Your Cell Phone: We’ve already covered this here, so if you’re still doing it you’re not someone I care to know.
• Holding the Door: Ok so what would I have done in this situation? If no one else was in the elevator, I would have held it. If there was someone else already in the elevator I knew, I would have held it. However if there is someone I don’t know in the elevator, I am not holding it. I would rather piss you off, then piss off someone I don’t know. No offense, but once I explain it to you you’ll understand and not be mad. There is one exception; I’d hold the door for Wynton Marsalis no matter what. Guy’s a genius, sorry.
• Unnecessary Noise:  In case you haven’t realized, the scourge that was elevator music has been eradicated. Why then, do you think its ok for you to blare your iPod? The last thing I want to over hear is some muffled version of “Swagga Like Us” feat. You humming. I don’t want to limit this to iPods, your chewing also makes me tense. Whether its gum, bacon, an apple, I really don’t care you can wait the four minutes until you’re at your desk. Remember elevators are small-enclosed spaces; any noise that is usually made in private isn’t for the elevator.

 

Maybe I should adjust that last line because pulling a “Jack The Ripper” in the elevator is even more satisfying than in a subway car. Not only do the people you are in the elevator with have to endure your bouquet, but also those who enter long after you leave. That’s disgusting, I’m Teddy Jones, and this is The Gumption.