The Inconsistency of English Muffins

I don’t want to hate on English Muffins, just like you I grew up on them. That “Thomas” logo with the horse drawn carriage, it takes me right back to the kitchen and my Grandmother. Sadly left in the hands of the inexperienced, English Muffins have turned into a barely edible oatmeal colored discus. Let’s face facts man; you’ve given up on Britain’s favorite breakfast biscuit haven’t you?

A prime example: You order breakfast at a diner and your waitress asks if you want toast. Does “English Muffin” even cross your mind? Never. That’s the equivalent of asking for filet mignon. You have every faith that your food will be what you asked for; it just won’t be prepared correctly. And so goes the slow death of the English Muffin.

Truth is, to change your behavior you’d need a guarantee. A guarantee that what ended up in front of you was going to be full of sexy golden brown nooks and crannies. I cannot provide you that guarantee, but I can provide you with this guide to a perfect English Muffin.

 

• Fork Split: Ok so this is easy, English Muffins are not meant to be opened with a knife or bagel guillotine. They are actually perforated around the muffins' “equator”, jab your fork in and out of these pre-made holes. Soon enough one side of the English Muffin will begin to split off, and the rest is easily done by hand. Done correctly this brings out those precious nooks and crannies, done incorrectly you are looking at the side of a brick.
• Toaster Setting: I tend to prefer my English Muffins on the well-done side, because like any sexy lady "dey thick". I also like every bite to be filled with crispy crunchy goodness. Undercooking an English Muffin results in a bland doughy textured middle. Yuck! If I wanted to chew something uncooked, I would’ve gotten some cookie dough or sushi. Not every toaster knob is the same, so I will give you this baseline. If your toaster knob was numbered 0 to 10, I’ll take my English Muffin at an 8. Regular toast probably falls at a 6 for me, just to give you a line of demarcation.
• Finishing: As with anything in life, finishing an English Muffin strongly is important. You’ll know the muffin is done when you see a brown line around the crust, and a little golden color on the basin of the gem. Upon completion, please for god sakes use a gentle spreading utensil. You can't slather with utter disregard! Spread gently so as not to fuck up the structural integrity of the nooks and crannies. However, you must spread evenly to coat every precious bite with the jelly, jam, or mite of your choice. I fucking hate marmite, veggimite, or any other sort of mite. I digress.

 

Want to know just how far English Muffin’s have fallen? I am going to the store in a couple of minutes and guess what’s not on my list? Dingle Berry Jam! You can't buy that shit at the store, but Butang will be back with some in a hot minute. Did you think I was going to say English Muffins? You’re fucking crazy man. Stop all your huffin' and puffin', put down that toast and get me an English Muffin!