Pleasure Master

            Dude, my elementary school was fucking awesome. From the outside it reminded me of Independence Hall in Philadelphia. A late 1700s piece, its exterior was covered in red colonial brick with a large white bell tower at its mast. Inside, the vaulted ceilings felt twenty feet high. The windows creaked and ran nearly floor to ceiling. Walking inside everyday was if not anything else, exciting. Perhaps more special than the environment itself were those who taught there. A cast of the oddest characters made each day very unpredictable.

            Mr. Eusner was a fucking giant. Every bit of the 6’4” he claimed, the man scraped the ceiling, especially to a fifth grader. Eusner greased his hair straight back (Pat Riley circa 1993), with what he claimed to be polar bear fat. The man would quiet the class down in the morning by slapping a yardstick violently seven times against his desk. His teeth were yellow and almost rotted. He claimed the frostbite on his nose and cheeks were results of numerous artic blizzards. Eusner claimed his “godbrother” had saved his life during the blizzards, a man named Johannasee Jack Itukaluk.

Johannasee Jack Itukaluk. was an Inuit man who stood about 5’2”, with a thick dark mustache. Itukaluk carved for a living, and the man made some of the most beautiful limestone carvings I have ever seen. We would watch him carve a couple of artic animals over the course of a week, for which all real classes were cancelled. Eusner would then attempt to sell the Johannasee Jack Itukaluk carvings at an art sale that Friday. At the time, I didn’t realize the hustle.

The kids would run home each night and tell their parents about the amazing “Leopard Seal” they had seen created. Each night the fervor grew and by the end of the week the parents would pay ridiculous prices ($x,000) just to shut the kids up. I was more concerned Johannasee was Latin American. I felt better when I saw the Inuits on the Whopper Virgins commercial, they look just like him. Anyway, turns out Eusner got his.

Eusner was arrested while I was in college for robbing a K-Mart. Yeah, should’ve seen it coming I guess, but do you really think that’s bad? My Italian teacher got fired for teaching a seventh grader how to give head. Want more? My Tech teacher left a video on Glaciers for a substitute. Too bad he taped over it with barely legal lesbian porn. Not enough? My band conductor divorced his wife for a less then stellar looking Spanish teacher. “Come on that happens all the time”, you exclaim! Well my music teacher was arrested for bringing a bag of dildos to a mall. His intentions were to meet, seduce, and have kinky dildo sex with a fourteen-year-old girl who only knew him as the “Pleasure Master”. As it turns out, the fourteen-year-old girl was an FBI Agent, and that got me thinking. What is the worst thing(s) to get caught with by the FBI, and could anything top a bag of dildos? Keep in mind you must be able to carry this item(s) on your person. The nominees:

 

·      A signed picture of Osama Bin Laden

·      A possibly rabid endangered rodent inside of your anus

·      One gallon of your own urine

·      Any sort of genital other than your own

·      Any Rachel Ray Cook Book

·      Three blind mice

 

Ok you got me, I got to the end and seriously I couldn’t think of anything worse then a bag of dildos. I couldn’t even give a legit effort. My only hope is that while this vile individual was stuck in “federal pound me in the ass prison”, he was made to call someone else “Pleasure Master”. I’m Teddy Jones, and this is the Gumption.