While “night drinking” produces it share of fantastic moments, I contend that “day drinking” is not merely its bastard cousin. While tailgating was a staple of my college experience, mid morning boozing has slowly receded from my existence. To quote Lee Corso: “Not so fast my friend!” This weekend I had the pleasure and honor to attend a Hoboken St. Patty’s day party, and the results were splendid. Many thanks obviously to the hostesses and a big shout to the Gumption readers who were in attendance. That said I thought I’d share a couple highlights for your enjoyment.
· Upon passing a girl holding a full pizza box and eating it with her friends, I shouted: “No I will not eat your box!” Her friend in astonishment responded: “Why not?”
· I (un)intentionally stole a chess piece from a party we attended. Said piece was a knight, and I didn’t remember I had stolen it until I sat down on it. Serves me right, the knight is on its way back to its rightful owner.
· I stole a Cadbury Egg from under the nose of a cashier at a famous New York City pharmacy. Cadbury Eggs are amazing, thank fucking god easter is here…NO SCHLOMO! I did not return the Cadbury Egg, I consumed it quickly, forcefully, and entirely. Suck it.
· If you have not yet had Defonte’s, I am not sure I want to be your friend. Just to let you know how good this place is: Butang refuses to venture above 14th Street, but he has already indicated this place is good enough to make him do so. Let me put that into perspective, I have lived in the city for a year and he has never seen my apartment because of its location. However, because of the amazing freshness and abundance of flavor, he will make the jaunt for a “sangweech”. Try it knucklehead and tell Franky that Teddy sent you.
· I saw the guy pictured in real life. Originally I had downloaded this photo as our inaugural creature feature; to see him in real life was amazing. He is 6’4”, huge, jacked, has googly eyes, might be a heroin addict, and is scary as all fuck. He hangs outs on 23rd between Madison Square Park and 2nd Avenue. You have been warned!
· Heineken now makes bigger keg cans, like “Tall Boy” versions. I was lauded for my beer selection, bring these to your next party and you can be to!
· The Zach Shirtman story! Let me preface this by saying that I really like this kid. I know him since kindergarten, and he was the kid who always did things his own way. Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? Zach was more or less a problem child who has done every drug on the planet. I still like him and I guess a part of me just feels bad for him. What I am about to unfold is completely true, and I hope you enjoy it!
Zach had a friend name Anne whom he is no longer close with as a result of this story. Anne got mixed up in a number of drugs that “good Jewish girls” don’t get mixed up in. Ecstasy, acid, coke, you name it she did it. Her boyfriend was the enabler; a drug dealer named Jeff. Anne reluctantly agrees to go on a family vacation to Europe, not realizing that the drugs leaving her system will cause a nasty reaction. At the same time that Anne is in Europe, Jeff is enjoying a month long stint in rehab. While Anne is taking out her withdrawal on the family, Jeff is breaking out of rehab. Jeff calls Anne and tells her he needs somewhere to crash. Anne calls Zach and asks him to baby sit Jeff in her brand new mansion and make sure that he does not touch any drugs. Zach and Jeff go on an ecstasy bender for the better part of five days in an awesome new house. Problem solved! Until....Anne’s family cuts their vacation short due to her insane behavior. Anne knowing that the family is about to walk in on Zach and Jeff confesses everything on the cab ride home from the airport. The drugs, the crazy boyfriend, and somehow that it’s Zach’s fault that she got into that crap in the first place. Whether or not that’s true is up for debate, but here’s the scene: The family arrives home in the limo and Zach and Jeff are completely caught off guard. They are rolling hard as fuck and are pouring water all over themselves. The parents walk in and find them and can’t believe what they see. The Dad asks the Zach and Jeff to carry in the luggage, they do so while sweating bullets and acting like people do who are on ecstasy. They have to finish out their bender around the family, and somehow this all becomes Zach's fault. Ahahahahah!
Crazy fucking story, gotta love high school friends! Welcome back, I hope you enjoyed the weekend! I am Teddy Jones and this is The Gumption.
Contestant Number Four, please don’t be a bore!
Voting will open Friday morning!
Contestant Number Three, we welcome thee!
Contestant Number Four will join us at 3pm, you don’t want to miss that one!
Contestant Number Two, here’s looking at you!
Contestant Number Three rolls out at 1pm.
For those of you who forgot, we had a little contest not too long ago. Today we bring you our four finalist interviews. Voting will be available Friday through March 21st on the right side of the page. Good Luck!
Contestant Number 1
Bouncers will tell you
“Smoke over there”
“Stand in that line”
“Get off of that chair”
Bouncers will tell you
“Too many guys”
“Not in those shorts”
“Not with those fries”
Bouncers will tell you
“Need your ID”
“I can’t let you in”
“Please wait to pee”
Bouncers will tell you
“I’m finishing school”
“You gotta go home”
“You dress like a tool”
Bouncers I tell you
I’m sick of your games
Stop acting so mighty
You’re really quiet lame
Your black leather jacket
Your perpetual gut
Just work the line
Keep your mouth shut
You’re just a pawn
In the club owners game
And that makes us
One and the same
GOOD LAWDY MISS MAWDY! HALLELUJAH! LORD HAVE MERCY! Why you ask? Why do we rejoice this Monday? It appears as though the Good Dr. Dollar is ready to share his secrets with the world.
“For quite some time now, people have been calling for Dr. Creflo Dollar to explain to the public how he is able to live such a successful life.”
Oh we certainly have! Dr. Dollar must have sixty messages on his voicemail from me personally, and you know Butang is straight spamming his inbox. You should’ve never tried to hold out on us, we know you paid. With a name like Dollar? Shit! You must be “young, black, and famous with money hangin’ out the anus” (M. Embetha, 1998). What is your secret to success sir? Butang thinks its your “World Famous Creflo Mustaches Rides”, I think its simply because you are a man of Jesus. Look at your cufflinks, your perfect smile, your pensive hand formation, and your duplicative wedding rings. Jesus must love you and I’ll be damn if I don’t need a wet towel. In this time of global crisis, please sir, tell us how we can live a successful life!
“Two people can argue on how to bake a pound cake, but the only way to determine whose recipe is right is by following the recipe and the result will be self-explanatory.”
Fuck you…are so wise Dr. Dollar, but you don’t have to prove your credentials to me. I am a believer; I know that your recipe for pound cake is best. The way you bake in the sprinkles to make those cool colors, and your creamy, thick, sticky, and warm icing is sublime. I know it is “self-explanatory”, but I am a bit slow, could you please explain?
“The words that you listen to determine how you think, your thinking determines how you feel, your feelings determine your decisions, your decisions determine your actions, your actions determine what becomes your habits, your habits create your character and your character determines your outcome or destiny.”
Seems simple enough, the words I listen to affect the outcome of my life. Atchoo! Sorry Dr. Dollar, it seems my allergy to bullshit kicks in at the most inopportune times. Could it be you are placing so much emphasis on the words I listen to because you are an evangelist and your career depends on selling your words? If I were a betting man, I’d say your entire book attempts to prove that by listening to your words, my outcome in life will be better. Oh wait, it does? At this juncture, Butang is jumping up and down, yelling in tongues, and threatening to “cut you”. Creflo, we at The Gumption are reasonable people and we are willing to give you one more chance. Perhaps one of your followers can tell of a life redeemed?
“I can give an example of when I was a freshman in college. I remember moving to Atlanta and the first song I heard when I got to Atlanta was a very sexually suggestive song singing to a woman about how the singer wanted to do all kinds of sexual things in all kinds of places with this woman. This song became one of my favorites. Everytime it was on the radio I turned it up loud, when I saw the music video I paid close attention, I learned the words and sung them to myself. The words I was getting were sexually driven. So those "words" determined how I thought about sex. I wanted to do all kinds of sexual things with women in all different places”
Oh sir you are the worst sort of heathen. You wanted to do sexual things with women in all different places! How dirty! How disgusting! I bet I know who the singer was, but let’s continue OOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAYYYYYYY??????
“ So my thinking began to dictate my emotions, and eventually how I felt about the subject began to determine what I did. I would pursue women and eventually I would convince them to do all kinds of sexual things in different places. So my actions determined what my habits were. I had a habit of being sexually promiscuous. And that became part of my character and the outcome or destination was different drama I had to deal with, (though I say I was "luckier" than most in that same situation.)”
Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop the bus! What is that last line supposed to mean? He is completely contradicting himself: Luckier than most in that same situation? That either means this dude was lucky not to contract Mike Vick’s herpes or he was lucky because he got a lot of ass. Either way, I have trouble feeling bad for someone attracting a lot of women and fucking them in different places. Furthermore, I fail to see how this would result in someone buying one of Mr. Dollar’s sermons. Shall we continue?
“In this book, Creflo Dollar is saying to get the right words (the Word of God from the Bible) and spend more time with the right words and then from there you can literally create the life you want. I encourage you to get this book and read it. But don't stop at reading it. Do it, apply it, follow the recipe.... "bake the pound cake," and see if you can start in the right direction creating the life you want.”
Apply this you bible beater: Fuck your pound cake Creflo Dollar, I am now drinking Will Power’s punch. I guess dire times call for great inspiration, just not from these ass clowns. I am Teddy Jones and you inspire me daily, right here at The Gumption.
