Follow me...........if you dare

twitter.com/TeddyJonesBlitz

In case you're late to the party, the mental anguish of writing this blog has slowed production. For those who can not handle life without me, I have begun to tweet. Open wide and enjoy!

I'm moving back to the city March 2nd.

Me: keep it sexy

Me: but like toni braxton sexy

Me: its classier that way

Butang: yeah much more so than trina da baddest bitch

Butang: no class

Me: exactly

Me: a lady in the street and a freak in the bed, thats what I always say

Butang: haha

Me: i hope i quote rap lyrics to my grandchildren

Me: "You know grandson you have to wear a condom, because if you don't you'll wind up like Kanye's cousin who "caught something on the Usher tour he had to let it burn""

Butang: its weird knowing that we'll know all the words to forgot about dre when we're 80

Me: You think they ll play baby i like it raw when we're going to senior mixers?

Butang: hahhahaa

Knowing is Half The Battle

Most guys really hate when their girl PMSes, I am not one of those guys. It’s not that I particularly enjoy “that time of the month”; I just think fertility is damn sexy. That river of blood that runs between your thighs eventually stems and leaves behind a valley as fertile as the Nile’s. That’s hot and I don’t give a shit that my mom might read this. I think the most important part of your PMS going smoothly has to do with what is perhaps your greatest propensity for deception: Telling me your PMSing.

            If you cramp and bloat you take Midol, if you have a headache you take Advil, but what happens when you get all cranky, moody, and emotional? There’s only one pill for that honey, and that’s communication. But women don’t want you to know when they’re PMSing because they give up tremendous power.

            Consider the following: Your girlfriend starts crying during a romantic movie. You don’t think much of it and dry her tears being the saint you are. You cuddle with her and let her know everything is fine between the two of you. She is confused because she didn’t think the movie had anything to do with your relationship. She becomes more emotional and starts picking a fight with you. All of a sudden you are defending your manhood and your love for her. You do this with intense vigor confessing your undying love for her to avoid a fight. Game, set, match, all of a sudden she is happy as a clam. Her mood comes and goes with eerie quickness. HOWEVER, if you knew she was PMSing the situation would’ve played out differently. She would’ve started to cry at the movie and you would’ve laughed and said “hahahah get over it babe, you’re just PMSing”.

            Girls need continuing emotional support and PMS allows them to obtain it without justifying seemingly overly emotional behavior. Girls think if they tell you, your rationality will wipe out any good will and emotional support. Well ladies it seems we’ve come to a sperm and egg dilemma once again. If you tell me you are PMSing I will be better equipped to handle it and I promise I will support you emotionally. So there! Now it’s time to keep up your end of the bargain.

            I was recently introduced to this site: pmsbuddy. It seems like a good idea for both parties. Now I know when to make you feel extra loved and when to avoid Hugh Grant films like the plague. Guys I think its worth giving it a shot, and girls its time to be open to new ideas. At least this way, your monthly fertility reminder doesn’t have to be a real life game of minesweeper. I’m Theodore Jones and this is The Gumption.

P.S. That's Bob Cobb.

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Video of the Week

FAIL!

More Fabric Please!

            A very happy birthday to Butang today! It just so happens that a funny thing happened on the way to his birthday brunch on Saturday. On the first truly warm day of the year, the cab driver that was my chauffer snidely remarked: “It was better when it was winter.” I did a double take. “Are you kidding me man? This winter was brutal.” He turned around at the red light and pointed to a rather hefty female crossing the street. “I didn’t need to see that.” I almost pissed my pants.

            I don’t know why four hundred pound women of ghetto descent shop at Baby Gap, but it seems to be a fact of life in this fair city. Cottage cheese arms and seemingly limitless cleavage from sagging 48EEE breasts are almost as plentiful as taxi cabs themselves. These people must believe they still weigh the same as they did at thirteen. Or perhaps they just haven’t been shopping since then, either way something has got to give.

            Put on some fucking clothing, please I beg of you. It is one thing to “accentuate your curves”, it is quite another to be imitating “Stay Puft” (pictured) on a regular basis. Older men are not immune to this either. If when you look down you can’t see your dick, tank tops are out of the question. Come to think of it, if you can’t see your vagina, tank tops are out of the question. Unless of course you are pregnant, hell hath no fury like a pregnant woman. I digress.

            This summer, food is going to be very expensive, so here’s an idea: EAT LESS OF IT! Then you’d be able to fit into that halter-top you got when Method Man first rocked a solo album. Until then, invest in a bra that functions as a harness and for god sakes buy some beefy t shirts. Thanks. I’m Teddy Jones and this is The Gumption.

Ugly Suits, Smoke Screens, and You!

            If there’s anything that makes me want to pull my fur out, it’s the NFL Draft. First of all, the total disregard for fashion is stifling. I’ll say it; Mel Kiper Jr. looks like the love child of Pat Riley and a rabid porcupine. It’s a wonder this guy isn’t married; I guess when the girls see Mel Kiper Jr. Jr. they are put off by the matching hair-dos. That’s disgusting, I know, I’m sorry. I’ll lay off Mel, he’s not the only one turning the WaMu Theatre into an episode of “What Not to Wear”. Who the fuck tells these kids that they look good in those suits? I honestly want to know what lackey is sitting at Saks with these kids going: “Damn Jamarcus, on the biggest day of your life you should definitely rock that canary yellow suit with that aqua ascot. We all know you’re going to the Raiders, but fuck that mother fucker, silver and black is boring!”

            I digress as usual, but I’ll level with you here. Besides the fashion, the two things I hate the most about the draft are the media/team interplay, and the flip-flopping that goes on by the so-called experts. First I will examine the interplay.

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, this is what happens. Teams spread rumors via the press so that other teams are forced to make moves. For example: The Seahawks are leaking out that they are interested in drafting Mark Sanchez because in theory it makes sense. To the layperson it seems Hasslebeck (their current QB) is getting older and they need a plan for succession. While that may be, Seneca Wallace did a descent job filling in as a backup, and this a team that has absolutely dominated their division until one hiccup last year. For that reason I would assert that the Seahawks are a team that is really built to win now, and when Hasslebeck is healthy they are pretty good. You forget (along with the rest of the NFL), that before last year Hasslebeck hadn’t missed more than four games in a season. Adding a back up or even third string QB with the number four pick in the draft almost never happens. Can you think of an example? I can’t. The Seahawks are basically taking advantage of the ESPN hype machine creating a market for their pick.

            By doing this Seattle ensures that the Redskins, Jets, or some other shadowy figure will feel the urgency to break the bank and trade up to get Sanchez. It’s the Seahawk’s hope that they will wind up netting more picks further down so they can avoid paying an unproven commodity “Top 5” money.

I guess just like the rest of the NFL season, the hype has become the real entertainment. Never mind the actual product, speculation is where the real excitement is! I hate that ethos, but unfortunately it seems to have become the norm. I’d rather just watch the draft and see what happens, plus there isn’t really enough time for speculation in the fifteen minutes in-between picks.

            The flip-flopping is where the real fun starts. Lets take a good look at Percy Harvin because the dude is a fucking stud. I know I’m a little bit of an SEC homer, but this guy was the best athlete in college football the past two seasons. There’s just one little problem: he got caught smoking pot. Consequently, all week you are going to hear analyst after analyst tell you about Percy’s “off the field problems”. I’m not condoning this man’s recreational drug use, but I will say this: After Percy drops the 15 picks that are requisite for such an offense, those same analysts are going to compliment the team that takes him on an almost embarrassing level. They’ll say “What great value to get an athlete like Percy Harvin with the 42^nd pick in the draft, he was arguably the best athlete in the country the past two years.” “You know Mel, I think the Bills had the best draft, to get Hugh Bizzalls where they did, and then Percy Harvin that late. Brasstacks GM has a future in this league!”

            So let me get this straight, with the 18^th pick Percy is the next Pacman Jones or Ted Kaczynski, but at the 42^nd pick he is the next Randy Moss or Reggie Bush? It doesn’t make any god damn sense whatsoever, but I haven’t gotten to the best part yet. Chances are Percy has a solid five years in the league before he destroys his ACL, he’s too good not to and failing one drug test doesn’t make him OJ Simpson.

The best part is that you know someone who will be drafted in front of Percy (already labeled a “can’t miss”) will wind up being the biggest bust of the draft. Someone like I don’t know…..Andre Smith! Remember this guy? He skipped the Sugar Bowl to sign with an agent and according to some reports has added 70 pounds of fat since then. One scout said he looks like “he’s just given up”. Todd McShay will tell you on draft day about Andre’s “tremendous upside” and Mel has him in his mock top ten. When he can’t block this year because he quit caring, fans will boo, sports talk radio will crucify him, and he’ll be out of the league quickly. Then next year when the next offensive tackle starts pulling the same shit and acting like a clown, Todd will be front and center calling him the next Andre Smith. You flip and you flop and your analysis is slippery slop.

Oh and one more thing! The immediacy with which experts are grading teams’ drafts is an exercise in retardation. Basically the only thing that has changed is that now we know what teams these guys are on. They still haven’t played a down in the league therefore we still know nothing. I remember Mel Kiper Jr. gave Jerry Reese’s (The Black Jesus) (pictured) first draft a “C”. I guess that “C” was for “C” you holding the Lombardi Trophy you glorified “Kaboom”. “Lack of top end speed” and “disappointing vertical leap” my ass.

Needless to say, I will be watching the draft with the sound turned off so I can enjoy it! You’ll always be my number one pick; I’ll always be Teddy Jones right here at The Gumption.  

Video of the Week

Is it just me who misses the good old days?

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Kabooms

            As general douche baggery runs rampant in our society, it’s vitally important to arm yourself. Put away the semi-automatic weapon Marlo Stanfield, I’m talking about developing a keen ability to sort out the douche bags from the non-douche bags. Today down at The Gumption we are saluting those who make this process incredibly easy.

Is there a more in your face indicator of douche baggery than a blow out haircut? Sir quiet honestly, your hairdo is practically a billboard advertising how much you suck/do steroids/fake tan/masturbate while staring in the mirror and flexing. While many would make fun of you, I instead thank you!

Other people hide their douche baggery behind lots of money and a modest exterior. Your superficiality does not allow you to hide behind a normal life. You are compelled to walk around looking like you stuck a fork in a socket. Apparently it has fried your skin, your brain, and turned your physique into a science experiment.

It seems your entire wardrobe has been affected by your obsession with incorrect use of electrical outlets. You do not own a single shirt with sleeves, must be because your body is consistently radiating more heat than a Red Dwarf. Oh wait; no you do own that Ed Hardy t-shirt and that one with the crazy looking dragon on it from Armani.

Gumption reader I challenge you, bring me but one man who rocks such a haircut that is a decent human being. You cannot, it is all but impossible. However, kind reader that does not mean that these people are not to be appreciated. I don’t know about you, but everyday I thank god for making neo-Nazis bald, fad chasing homos mohawked, and Kabooms blown out. Otherwise how would you ever know the difference? I’m Teddy Jones and I rock out with my cock out right here at The Gumption.

            

.....And We're Back!

This past week John Madden retired. I guess he finally realized he wasn’t going to be able to slurp Brett Favre anymore. Or maybe he left because he was tired of criss-crossing the country like a hippy on a Greyhound. Perhaps he just thought Jay Cutler was a pussy. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor, but I decided to ask John myself. The call lasted about twenty minutes; I’ve transcribed what I could below.

 

So John why’d you quit? I mean I’m sure you’re going to still be watching football all the time. What’s the deal?

 

“Yeah. Here’s a question that I don’t mind answering. It’s a good question and a question that kind makes you think about a lot of things. When I start thinking about a lot of things I think a lot about football and that sort of stuff, but I also think about other things. Sometimes I think about the financial crisis and big banks. You know they say that some of these banks are too big to fail and that makes me think about Robert Gallery. Here’s a guy when he was drafted, people were really impressed with his size, he was “too big to fail”. Unfortunately he hasn’t really lived up to the hype and he has kind of failed. And then you get Barack Obama, ok, trying to fix some things and do some things to get more involved with the economy. I think that’s a lot like me trying to make Robert Gallery unfail when he’s already failed.”

 

            Wow really interesting John, you’re saying that you’d like to see big banks fail? That’s why you retired?

 

            “You know here’s the thing about banks; banks are the offensive lineman of this economy. You’re not going anywhere without them (audible chuckle). You can call all the plays you want, you can raise and lower interest rates, you can scheme and you can double team. But if you aren’t getting an initial push from your offensive line, then you aren’t going anywhere. You know I just picture big old Walter Jones wearing a JP Morgan jersey just kind of pushing this massive boulder. Boom! Maybe even adding Steve Hutchinson in because you need guys like that to push up front. Steve’s wearing a Citi jersey, and he’s got some blood on his jersey because he’s tough and that’s what tough guys get on their jerseys. These guys are pushing hard to get this boulder rolling and then the quarter ends and they stop pushing and take a break and I wake up and I realize I’ve soiled myself.

 

            John I’m shocked! That’s really a pretty cool way of thinking about things. Is this what you’re going to be doing now?

 

            “You know, I’m not sure. Am I going to be doing this? Am I going to be doing that? I’m not sure what it is I’m going to be doing. I know what I’d like to be doing and that’s a lot of eating and watching football. That’s not too dissimilar from what I’ve been doing. It’s something that I enjoy doing. If you asked me what I was going to be doing, I would probably say something like that. I mean I guess I’d like to feed the children and all that sort of thing, but I think if I tried doing that I’d eat all of the food and miss watching football. That’s not something that I would want to be doing to the children, but I’m sure that’s what I would wind up doing.”

 

            Point taken, what about this up coming season? Any thoughts?

 

            “Yeah you know you have Jay Cutler and is he going to be traded? Is he not going to be traded? Who is he going to be traded to? Where am I? How is my liver? Am I going to have a heart attack? Are the Giants the team to beat in the NFC East? Did you fart? Was that me? What kind of impact is TO going to have in Buffalo? Is Al Michaels edible? Would Tony Romo make out with me on live television? I don’t know we’ll just have to find out.”

 

            Thanks John!

 

I apologize for the elongated hiatus. It’s great to have you back. I am Theodore Jones and this is The Gumption.

Dear Gumption Reader,

We're on Spring Break and will return Friday March 20th. We are sorry for any pain and suffering this may cause, but we want to stay mentally fresh so we can bring you the best content possible. Don't miss us to much, we'll be back before you know it.

Love,

Butang & Teddy

P.S. We miss you already!

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Video of the Week

Spring Training is upon us and that reminds me about George Brett's funny story about......

(Audio is a little fuzzy at the beginning, but it gets better. NOT SAFE FOR WORK)

PLAY BALL!!!!!!!!!

Hoboken St. Patty's Day Redux

While “night drinking” produces it share of fantastic moments, I contend that “day drinking” is not merely its bastard cousin. While tailgating was a staple of my college experience, mid morning boozing has slowly receded from my existence. To quote Lee Corso: “Not so fast my friend!” This weekend I had the pleasure and honor to attend a Hoboken St. Patty’s day party, and the results were splendid. Many thanks obviously to the hostesses and a big shout to the Gumption readers who were in attendance. That said I thought I’d share a couple highlights for your enjoyment.

 

·    Upon passing a girl holding a full pizza box and eating it with her friends, I shouted: “No I will not eat your box!” Her friend in astonishment responded: “Why not?”

·    I (un)intentionally stole a chess piece from a party we attended. Said piece was a knight, and I didn’t remember I had stolen it until I sat down on it. Serves me right, the knight is on its way back to its rightful owner.

·    I stole a Cadbury Egg from under the nose of a cashier at a famous New York City pharmacy. Cadbury Eggs are amazing, thank fucking god easter is here…NO SCHLOMO! I did not return the Cadbury Egg, I consumed it quickly, forcefully, and entirely. Suck it.

·    If you have not yet had Defonte’s, I am not sure I want to be your friend. Just to let you know how good this place is: Butang refuses to venture above 14^th Street, but he has already indicated this place is good enough to make him do so. Let me put that into perspective, I have lived in the city for a year and he has never seen my apartment because of its location. However, because of the amazing freshness and abundance of flavor, he will make the jaunt for a “sangweech”. Try it knucklehead and tell Franky that Teddy sent you.

·    I saw the guy pictured in real life. Originally I had downloaded this photo as our inaugural creature feature; to see him in real life was amazing. He is 6’4”, huge, jacked, has googly eyes, might be a heroin addict, and is scary as all fuck. He hangs outs on 23^rd between Madison Square Park and 2^nd Avenue. You have been warned!

·    Heineken now makes bigger keg cans, like “Tall Boy” versions. I was lauded for my beer selection, bring these to your next party and you can be to!

·    The Zach Shirtman story! Let me preface this by saying that I really like this kid. I know him since kindergarten, and he was the kid who always did things his own way. Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? Zach was more or less a problem child who has done every drug on the planet. I still like him and I guess a part of me just feels bad for him. What I am about to unfold is completely true, and I hope you enjoy it!

 

Zach had a friend name Anne whom he is no longer close with as a result of this story. Anne got mixed up in a number of drugs that “good Jewish girls” don’t get mixed up in. Ecstasy, acid, coke, you name it she did it. Her boyfriend was the enabler; a drug dealer named Jeff. Anne reluctantly agrees to go on a family vacation to Europe, not realizing that the drugs leaving her system will cause a nasty reaction. At the same time that Anne is in Europe, Jeff is enjoying a month long stint in rehab. While Anne is taking out her withdrawal on the family, Jeff is breaking out of rehab. Jeff calls Anne and tells her he needs somewhere to crash. Anne calls Zach and asks him to baby sit Jeff in her brand new mansion and make sure that he does not touch any drugs. Zach and Jeff go on an ecstasy bender for the better part of five days in an awesome new house. Problem solved! Until....Anne’s family cuts their vacation short due to her insane behavior. Anne knowing that the family is about to walk in on Zach and Jeff confesses everything on the cab ride home from the airport. The drugs, the crazy boyfriend, and somehow that it’s Zach’s fault that she got into that crap in the first place. Whether or not that’s true is up for debate, but here’s the scene: The family arrives home in the limo and Zach and Jeff are completely caught off guard. They are rolling hard as fuck and are pouring water all over themselves. The parents walk in and find them and can’t believe what they see. The Dad asks the Zach and Jeff to carry in the luggage, they do so while sweating bullets and acting like people do who are on ecstasy. They have to finish out their bender around the family, and somehow this all becomes Zach's fault. Ahahahahah!

 

Crazy fucking story, gotta love high school friends! Welcome back, I hope you enjoyed the weekend! I am Teddy Jones and this is The Gumption. 

Finalist #4

Contestant Number Four, please don’t be a bore!

 

• Why do you hate cauliflower? Because your brothers ear was really disturbing that one time.
• Who are you? Chet Steadman
• What is the name of your shoe? “The Reel”
• What is your favorite Gumption post? Publicly Held Private Conversations 
• What performance-enhancing drug is your favorite? Old School Anabolic Steroids, “The Juice”, if you’re gonna do it, do it right!
• Who is your favorite explorer? Christopher Columbus
• Finish this statement: Teddy Jones is bizzalls.
• Finish this statement: Butang is short.
• What is your favorite moment in American History? When the Nets traded for Jason Kidd
• Who is currently the world’s biggest ass clown? Scott Boras. Can I tell you why? He’s not even good at what he does anymore. He should kill himself; he just accepted a deal he refused three times. My boss is really number one, but I can’t say that on the phone. Drew Rosenhaus, shit Barney Frank! Barney Frank!
• What really grinds your gears? Female sports announcers.
• Maple Syrup or Cinnamon AND Sugar? I prefer Syrup.
• Thelonious Monk or Coltrane? Thelonious Monk
• The Boss or The Boss? The Fuckin’ Boss, Jersey Bitches!
• Ferris Oxide or Magnesium Sulfate? Definitely not magnesium sulfate, so we’re gonna go with Ferris oxide.
• Why are you still here? Because Stone Cold said so.
• What’s your favorite sexual position (real or imaginary)? Reverse Cowgirl OTA (On Top Ass) and that’s real.
• Swamp Ass: Great feeling or Greatest feeling? I’ll go with great, it’s just great.
• What’s something nobody knows about you, but a bunch of random people are about to? I may or may not have a hernia. I also have a freckle on the inside of my left palm, and I think that bodes well for my sneaker making ability.
• Why should the Gumption public vote for you? Because my shit is the shizzzillllitttedddness. Which is just awesome.

 

Voting will open Friday morning!

Finalist #3

Contestant Number Three, we welcome thee!

 

• Why do you hate cauliflower? I don’t hate cauliflower, I love it.
• Who are you? White and Warren
• What is the name of your shoe? “The GB”
• What is your favorite Gumption post?  Protection
• What performance-enhancing drug is your favorite? Viagra
• Who is your favorite explorer? Christopher Columbus
• Finish this statement: Teddy Jones is no homo
• Finish this statement: Butang is oh god!
• What is your favorite moment in American History? When Brittany and Madonna kissed.
• Who is currently the world’s biggest ass clown? Teddy Jones
• What really grinds your gears? People who don’t hold the elevator
• Maple Syrup or Cinnamon AND Sugar? Maple Syrup
• Thelonious Monk or Coltrane? Coltrane
• The Boss or The Boss? The Boss
• Ferris Oxide or Magnesium Sulfate? Magnesium Sulfate
• Why are you still here? I’m not answering that question, that’s a stupid one.
• What’s your favorite sexual position (real or imaginary)? The Eiffel Tower
• Swamp Ass: Great feeling or Greatest feeling? Great.
• What’s something nobody knows about you, but a bunch of random people are about to? I know every single word to Bye Bye American Pie
• Why should the Gumption public vote for you? Cause I’m amazing, I don’t know.

 

Contestant Number Four will join us at 3pm, you don’t want to miss that one!

Finalist #2

Contestant Number Two, here’s looking at you!

 

• Why do you hate cauliflower? I don’t or am I supposed to come up with a reason? I don’t discriminate because they’re white.
• Who are you? Furball
• What is the name of your shoe? “Beartops”
• What is your favorite Gumption post?   The Blunder from Down Under
• What performance-enhancing drug is your favorite? Marijuana
• Who is your favorite explorer? Magellan, he gets mentioned in Tommy Boy
• Finish this statement: Teddy Jones is a rock star
• Finish this statement: Butang is a hip hop legend
• What is your favorite moment in American History? Obama’s election.
• Who is currently the world’s biggest ass clown? Paris Hilton
• What really grinds your gears? People who only use the elevator go up or down one floor.
• Maple Syrup or Cinnamon AND Sugar? Maple Syrup
• Thelonious Monk or Coltrane? Coltrane
• The Boss or The Boss? The Boss
• Ferris Oxide or Magnesium Sulfate? Magnesium Sulfate
• Why are you still here? Because you’re keeping me on the phone. Is that a good answer?
• What’s your favorite sexual position (real or imaginary)? A lady never tells
• Swamp Ass: Great feeling or Greatest feeling? Neither
• What’s something nobody knows about you, but a bunch of random people are about to? Nice try.
• Why should the Gumption public vote for you? Because my name is Furball.

 

Contestant Number Three rolls out at 1pm.

Finalist #1

For those of you who forgot, we had a little contest not too long ago. Today we bring you our four finalist interviews. Voting will be available Friday through March 21^st on the right side of the page. Good Luck!

 Contestant Number 1 

• Why do you hate cauliflower? Its like broccolis gross stepsister
• Who are you? Wottmania
• What is the name of your shoe? “That’s A Good Question”
• What is your favorite Gumption post? The Passion Contusion
• What performance-enhancing drug is your favorite? Boli
• Who is your favorite explorer? Desoto
• Finish this statement: Teddy Jones is the lovable face of the Gumption.
• Finish this statement: Butang is the adorable shitstain of the Gumption.
• What is your favorite moment in American History? I like the Trail of Tears; it was really emotional.
• Who is currently the world’s biggest ass clown? Boris Yeltzen
• What really grinds your gears? Overweight African American women who walk way too slow.
• Maple Syrup or Cinnamon AND Sugar? Cinnamon AND Sugar
• Thelonious Monk or Coltrane? Coltrane
• The Boss or The Boss? Whichever one doesn’t refer to Bruce Springsteen
• Ferris Oxide or Magnesium Sulfate? Ferris Oxide
• Why are you still here? Because this is the highlight of my workday
• What’s your favorite sexual position (real or imaginary)? The Felonious Monk
• Swamp Ass: Great feeling or Greatest feeling? Great Feeling, but I’m not a fan of swamp ass.
• What’s something nobody knows about you, but a bunch of random people are about to? I make tailgates for a living.
• Why should the Gumption public vote for you? For no reason other than I made the baddest shoe.

There you have it! Stay tuned for a second interview coming up at 11am